Think jokes

Why did Amy Winehouse snort Splenda?

She thought it was Diet Coke.

A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”

“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”

At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”

Do you think John F. Kennedy went for a ride in Dallas just to clear his head because his wife said he was close-minded?

"John FK, he think he special car no top, everyone see like he on parade. Me, I stay hidden, secret style, no bullets find me. Much smar smarter, no? Scret lifestyle safety."

I ran into a fat woman today. She said next time, don't hit me. I said I don't think I have enough gas to go around.

Then the ground started to rumble with every step she took.

Wayne Couzens, the police officer who killed Sarah Everard, has been complaining about receiving a whole life tariff for her murder...

I think he should count his blessings. He could have had it worse...

He could have married her!

You ever look back at your ex and are like, "Wow! What was I thinking?"

Then I start to think I was the problem :(

Just kidding, fuck that asshole!

Lewandowski is so fast because whoever would think of adding an engine to him is a genius!

I don't think I could ever become a beggar. I really don't like change.

I just did a test to see who my soulmate is, and it said "best friend." So I guess I am gay. I think so, WTF.

Family all eating at the table.

Brother: "Hmm, I think I feel gold."

Sister: "Stop the cap."

Brother looks under the table and says, "Nope, just a gold digger."

Dad laughed.

Stepmom storms out of the room.

Sometimes I look at someone I hate and think, "I hope you get laid tonight."

By a tweaker with AIDS.

You could hold your breath for the rest of your life.

Think about it.

Alya, I need to talk to you now. If you don't reply, I will kermit the not living, and if you don't think I will, I will post your OnlyFans photos I get every month for $5.99 a week (high price if you ask me)!

Think about how many more girls we guys could get if we talked to them how we talk to other guys, like when they say, "Can I borrow a pencil?" You say, "You can borrow this hard wood dick."

I'm gonna blow out your lungs faster than Joe Biden thinks is possible with a 9mm.

Are your ankles having a party? Because I think your pants should come on down.

Kid walks in the door. "Mommy and Daddy, I'm home." Mommy and Daddy meanwhile in their room moaning. Kid runs to them thinking they're hurt and sees something he definitely shouldn't have.

10 minutes later, [he] kills himself.

If you think vanilla and chocolate ice cream is just light and dark mode.