Think jokes

Attended my boss's funeral to pay my respects. On my way out, I leaned over his casket and whispered lightly, "Well, look who's thinking outside the box now."

Yo mama so hairy that the zookeepers called a code red thinking an ape got loose.

I think Kobe misunderstood the 6-ft rule.

I ran into a fat woman today. She said next time, don't hit me. I said I don't think I have enough gas to go around.

Then the ground started to rumble with every step she took.

You are like a software update. Whenever I see you, I immediately think, "Not now."

If you think of a president as your king, then the USA got checkmated on November 22nd, 1963.

I love sucking on food because if you really think about it, tits can be counted as food, so I could technically suck on a woman's tits.

Your hairline is pushed back; we can see what you are thinking of.

What is the difference between men and women?

Men have 2 heads, women have 4 lips because men do all the thinking, and women do all the talking.

I'd like to have kids one day.

I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.

Why did Amy Winehouse snort Splenda?

She thought it was Diet Coke.

A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”

“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”

At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”

Do you think John F. Kennedy went for a ride in Dallas just to clear his head because his wife said he was close-minded?

"John FK, he think he special car no top, everyone see like he on parade. Me, I stay hidden, secret style, no bullets find me. Much smar smarter, no? Scret lifestyle safety."

Lewandowski is so fast because whoever would think of adding an engine to him is a genius!

Kid walks in the door. "Mommy and Daddy, I'm home." Mommy and Daddy meanwhile in their room moaning. Kid runs to them thinking they're hurt and sees something he definitely shouldn't have.

10 minutes later, [he] kills himself.

When I dunk my cookies in milk, I think of you. I hold them down until the bubbles stop.

I'm gonna blow out your lungs faster than Joe Biden thinks is possible with a 9mm.

Are your ankles having a party? Because I think your pants should come on down.