Guy 1: Why is my cat so angry?
Guy 2: Because she wants to eat your big sausage.
Guy 1: Don't you?
Guy 2: Yeah, it seems delicious.
Guy 1: Mmm, so... w-wait what are you doing? I didn't think you meant the one in my lunch :< Where are you leaving #_#
**Meow...**
Guy 1: Shut up, I will never feed you this sausage. It's not for you :< -_- </3
Wayne Couzens, the police officer who killed Sarah Everard, has been complaining about receiving a whole life tariff for her murder...
I think he should count his blessings. He could have had it worse...
He could have married her!
You ever look back at your ex and are like, "Wow! What was I thinking?"
Then I start to think I was the problem :(
Just kidding, fuck that asshole!
I think about my life, and then I think about death. I prefer death. If you ask me, life is just a time when you die. Basically, death is life, meaningless 0-0.
Yo momma is so stupid, she eats cardboard boxes thinking they're chocolate bars.
I was thinking of starting up a stair company, but there were too many steps to it.
I don't think I could ever become a beggar. I really don't like change.
When I dunk my cookies in milk, I think of you. I hold them down until the bubbles stop.
I'm gonna blow out your lungs faster than Joe Biden thinks is possible with a 9mm.
Kid walks in the door. "Mommy and Daddy, I'm home." Mommy and Daddy meanwhile in their room moaning. Kid runs to them thinking they're hurt and sees something he definitely shouldn't have.
10 minutes later, [he] kills himself.
If you think vanilla and chocolate ice cream is just light and dark mode.
Lewandowski is so fast because whoever would think of adding an engine to him is a genius!
Are your ankles having a party? Because I think your pants should come on down.
Your sister is so stupid, she only thinks an onion will make people cry.
So I threw a coconut at her.
You might think that tigers or lions are the best jumpers, but in my opinion, it's emos, because some of them are still in the air.
Think about how many more girls we guys could get if we talked to them how we talk to other guys, like when they say, "Can I borrow a pencil?" You say, "You can borrow this hard wood dick."
If you're born deaf, what language would you think in?
You could hold your breath for the rest of your life.
Think about it.
Alya, I need to talk to you now. If you don't reply, I will kermit the not living, and if you don't think I will, I will post your OnlyFans photos I get every month for $5.99 a week (high price if you ask me)!
Family all eating at the table.
Brother: "Hmm, I think I feel gold."
Sister: "Stop the cap."
Brother looks under the table and says, "Nope, just a gold digger."
Dad laughed.
Stepmom storms out of the room.
