People complain we are overpopulated.
Well, then if we committed suicide, then why do they be sad? It's one less person to think about. Why complain about it when in the end we become sad people?
I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.
When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"
I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."
I was going to make a rape joke, but I don’t think you would’ve given me consent.
I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don’t understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what’s so sad?" and she said, "What do you think was running through these kid’s head before they died?" I replied, "probably a bullet." She gasped and said, "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent’s heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."
A blind woman told me I had a big penis yesterday.
I think she was pulling my leg.
Me and my stepmom went into the forest.
I think I hid the body pretty well, but now I have to hide the gun.
Sometimes, I think back on all the mistakes I've ever made.
Then I realize, "My daughter isn't THAT bad..."
My mom said she will slam my head into my computer if I don't get off it. I'm not too worried though, I think she is just joking.
When deaf people see someone yawning, do they think they're screaming?
So, a blind guy is sitting on a park bench with his seeing eye dog right beside him. Suddenly, his seeing eye dog cocks his leg and pisses all over the blind guy's leg. So the blind guy gives the dog a treat.
A man taking a walk saw the entire thing and said to the blind man, "That is the most charitable thing I’ve ever seen, your dog deliberately pissed on you and here you are giving him a dog biscuit." The blind man says, "Oh it’s not what you think, I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick him in the ass."
Teacher: "What do you think is your purpose in our society?"
Me: "To reduce the population by one."
When I see lovers' names carved on a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
I was happy for once, and my family was happy I was happy, but that all changed when they found out I was thinking about bridges and humans.
If you really think about it, every market in Africa is a black market.
My best friend is transgender; she transitioned from a man into a woman. I think it's courageous of her to take a pay cut like that.
Why did the legless kid think he won a race?
Because everybody already left.
What did the bread say to the peanut butter? "I think your nuts."
I think Abraham Lincoln was gay because a guy shot from behind.
Why do people think Jesus is going to come back? He wasn’t nailed to a fucking boomerang!
Husband: "I think I might take a picture of your breasts and frame it."
Wife: "I think I'll take a picture of your penis and enlarge it."
