Think jokes

I think if a woman is giving a man a handjob, it should be called "wand making".

If a woman is giving a woman a handjob, it should be called "finger pointing".

If a man is giving a man a handjob, it should be called a "self-pleasure".

I don't like consistency. Last night, I spent three hours looking at a room and thinking, "I need a flower pot here, and the couch should be on the right." Eventually, the police arrived and led me away from my neighbor's window.

I got told I'm too mean and that I need to think before I speak. So now I take a couple minutes and think of what will REALLY piss the other person off.

I think my family is racist.

I brought a black girl home, and my wife went crazy and told me to pack my bags, and my kids were upset.

I think one of my dads might be gay.

I always thought the idea of education was to learn to think for yourself.

Job interview: "What's your greatest weakness?"

"Honesty."

"I don't think honesty is a weakness."

"I don't give a fuck what you think."

You know how 6 was afraid of 7 because 7 8 9?

Well, how do you think 10 feels being in the middle of 9 11?

You'd think with Jason being a pastor's kid, his parents would have gotten him Invisalign.

And an exorcism.

Do you ever look at someone and think, "You must have been conceived at a family reunion"?

So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!' I said, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? “If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.”

It's often said that people peaked in high school.

I think Trump peaked in kindergarten.

Trump cut funding for Sesame Street.

I think he's jealous that the characters on Sesame Street can count to 10.

I think my butt looks flat, but my boyfriend seems to think the opposite. I told him to be deadass with me.

There were four men eating dinner on the Titanic when it hit the iceberg.

The waiter said, "We have to get to the lifeboats!"

The teacher said, "What about the kids?"

The lawyer said, "Fuck the kids."

The priest said, "Do you think we'll have time?"

I'm not into scatplay. In fact, I think that shit's disgusting.

So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!'

I thought, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don't get some support soon, people are gonna think we're nuts.

My cousin said he wonders why people have sex with animals, and now I can’t stop thinking about it.

Ol’ McDonald had a farm e-I-e-I-oh.