Things jokes
Sorry man, but I got to say one thing. You know when a bully in a movie walks to you, then they walk up to you, and they smell you and say, "What are you doing?"
My friend was getting bullied so I went over and asked him to stop. It went a little bit like this:
Me: Dude, leave her alone. Him: Beat it, b*tch. *lots of arguing and swearing* Me: Ya know! The smartest thing that ever came outta your mouth was probably a penis. Him: *walks away*
I get so many things stuck in my head, though, unfortunately none of them were a bullet.
I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 4K and above.
It's my New Year's resolution.
Little Johnny was in class and the teacher said, "Okay class, what's behind my back?" She said, "It's round and red," and Sally said, "Ooh, ooh, it's an apple!" And the teacher said, "No, but I like where you're going with this." So now the teacher said, "It is also used to make multiple things," and Sally said, "Ooh, ooh, it's a container of paint!" And the teacher said, "Again, no, but I like where you're going with this." And the teacher said, "It's a ball of yarn," as she pulled it out from behind her back. Then Little Johnny said, "Okay, my turn." He said, "What's in my pocket? It's round and it has a head." And the teacher said, "That's enough, Johnny, now sit down." And Little Johnny pulled the thing out of his pocket and said, "It's a nickel, but I like where you're going with this."
You know the stupid trend where people say it’s ok to be overly obese? Healthy even? That you should take pride in it? Which idiots started that movement?
Well. We know one thing for sure. They were obviously members of a wider community.
What's the best thing about 28 year olds?
- There's 20 of them.
It's funny how Stephen Hawking sounds like Stephen walking or Stephen talking, but he can't do any of those things.
"Have a nice day" and "enjoy the next 24 hours" mean the same thing, but one sounds like a threat.
Why do bugs hate the internet?
Because they always get caught.
Get it? Inter-net?
Muslims love to exaggerate, that's why they always blow things up.
My dad owns a countertop store and sometimes he'll barter.
A lot of the time he will take things for granite.
A lot of counter-offers were made.
Butcher knives are great tools for cutting many things!
Fruit, vegetables, my arms.
I looked this quote up, but it really is a good thing, just for starters.
"Sometimes you will never know the VALUE of a moment until it becomes a MEMORY."
What do you call a wild cow in a shop with old things?
A bull in a china shop.
What's the worst thing to say at a funeral? "Hi guys, welcome to my unboxing video!"
What’s one thing you can say at a funeral and during sex?
She was too young.
What’s one thing smarter than Stephen Hawking? His computer.
Some girl just walks into my 6th period geography class. The first thing I think is, "Oh shit! It's mini Regina George without titties!"
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you? But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.
My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.