Things jokes

Orgasm means two things:

1. During you masturbate.

2. You torture phantoms.

Life isn't about pleasing yourself and that you have to do things for the sole benefit of God.

It’s like masturbation. Sometimes it’s not getting yourself off, but getting someone else off too. That’s what thighjobs are for.

There were two twins, and they were both very tall.

The next thing they knew, they were on the floor, and there were planes up their asses.

Why do emo people go to the store with no money?

Because they just scan their bar code and get everything free.

Having cockroaches in the house is a sign that you've food.

These things are like Ugandan girls, they hate poverty.

Hey, that's the thing my grandpa has. They say that to treat it, I should call him a bitch!

My three favorite things are eating my family, and not using commas.

What's the most motivational thing to say to an orphan? Go big or go home!

Doctor: I have bad news.

Man: What?

Doctor: There are two things wrong with you. First, you have cancer.

Man: Oh, no...

Doctor: Second, you have Alzheimer's.

Man: Well, at least I don't have cancer!

Do you know the phrase "One man's trash is another man's treasure?"

That's a horrible thing to find out when you're adopted.

Have anyone seen my balls? I can't find them on my chest.

Hey! My balls are on your thing!

I like touching things that have been in space. I was super excited when I got to meet an astronaut.

Sorry man... I kinda messed those things up.

Friend: My mum took my phone from me, and I really want it back.

Me: Yeah, well, Hades took my parents from me, and the funny thing is, I don't want them back.

What similarities do peeping Toms and spies share?

They both see things they shouldn't.

When I got to you and I was android and we were all in Minecraft for the last two years and we had the same problem UI with you anymore but you can see it on Instagram that it is not a real time thing or a android.

MMM ppl just chat random things together.... JUST WRITE JOKES YA'LL!

Would you rather listen to Justin Bieber or die in the slowest and most painful way possible?

They're the same thing.

What’s the bravest thing a man can do?

Say, “I’m going to get milk!” to his wife and kids.

Thing 1: What's the difference between nuts and almonds?

Thing 2: I don't know, what?

Thing 1: One gets hard faster.