Thing jokes
What's the best thing you can do if you're feeling lonely?
Watch a scary movie. You won't feel lonely anymore.
A lot of things have changed since I got my girlfriend pregnant.
My name, my address, and my phone number.
What's the cool thing about bringing a pack of gum or a shotgun to school?
When you pull one out everybody wants to be your friend. :)
What's Michael Jackson's favorite thing to do on guitar?
Fingering A minor.
As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.
Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.
What's one thing gay people can't draw?
A straight line.
People say that life is short.
I say... life is the longest thing we ever do.
Why is Stephen Hawking a bad role model? -- He doesn't stand for anything.
Hate when my phone dies instead of me :))
What's My Favorite Thing About My Grandpa?
His life insurance...
Spongebob and Jacko have one thing in common.
They both routinely place meat in small buns.
Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day.
Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" shouts Molly.
"Correct," says the teacher.
The next day the teacher asks, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack's pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" she shouts.
"Correct again," says the teacher.
The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.
This time the teacher asks her, "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"
Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm going to crack it in half!"
Russian history in 5 words: "And then things got worse."
You're so poor, people break into your house and leave things.
What's the best thing about 28 year olds?
- There's 20 of them.
I like when people say they hate me because we have something in common. <3
It's funny how Stephen Hawking sounds like Stephen walking or Stephen talking, but he can't do any of those things.
You know what the worst thing about gang rape is?
Having to wait your turn.
Patient: "I'm starting to forget things."
Doctor: "Since when have you had this condition?"
Patient: "What condition?"
My mom is the jelly, and my dad is the peanut butter. And I am the bread, the only thing keeping them together.