Thing jokes

God creating cats.

GOD: Make the most fluffy cute thing you can think of.

ANGEL: Ok.......................................anything else?

GOD: YES, PUT RAZOR BLADES ON ITS FEET!!!!!!!!

What's the one thing me and the New Year's ball have in common?

It's not gonna be the only thing falling 50 stories this New Year's.

You can laugh at how men are stupid. But remember their favorite thing.

It starts with "M" and ends with "arriage".

If you guessed "Marriage" you're stupid. It's miscarriage and don't forget it. The joke never gets old to him. Just like the baby.

What’s one thing you can say at a funeral and during sex?

She was too young.

What is the second hardest thing in the morning?

Getting up.

Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.

What's worse than a failed attempt at suicide?

The pity looks people give you and people keep you away from 'dangerous' things.

Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.

The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.

They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"

An orphanage got robbed yesterday. Let's just say that's the second worst thing to happen to those orphans. At least they didn't end up like their parents.

My blind friend is so annoying, he kept bumping into things even though I repeatedly told him to look where he was going.

What's one of the worst motivational things to say to a suicidal person?

“Hang in there!”

Little Johnny was sitting in class, and he was behind a girl called Sally. The teacher asks the class, "Who created the Earth?" And Little Johnny pokes Sally in the back with his sharpened pencil, and she jumps and says, "MY GOD!" And the teacher says, "Yes, Sally, God did create the Earth." Sally sits down.

Then, the teacher asks, "Where do you go after you live a good life?" and Little Johnny pokes Sally again, and she jumps up and says, "HEAVENS TO BETSY!" And the teacher says, "Yes Sally. You will go to heaven after you live a good life." Sally sits down, knowing full well Little Johnny was poking her. Sally gave Little Johnny an angry glare, and she turns around.

And then, the teacher asks the class, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 77th child?" and Little Johnny pokes Sally HARDER this time in the back, and Sally jumps, turns around and says, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I swear I'm gonna lose it!" And the teacher faints.

There are so many things going through my head. Sadly, none of it is a 9mm.

What's the worst thing to star in?

An amber alert.

I went trick or treating this year with friends. Good thing I dressed as a zombie...

no one could tell that it was their blood.

Money and my mom are kinda the same thing; they come and leave easily.

A lion, Johnny Depp, and a hockey player from Nashville all have one thing in common.

They're all Predators!

One time, the quiet kid hacked the speakers in a school. Next thing you know, "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster The People starts playing.

My Grandmother died last month. The thing that bugs me to this day, I couldn't understand her last words... through the pillow.

I was raped by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.