Thing jokes

I was raped by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

What is the first thing the disabled download on iTunes?

"They see me rolling, they hatin'."

What is the one thing cripples can't do? ... Stand-up comedy.

There are so many things going through my head. Sadly, none of it is a 9mm.

Imagine you're playing GTA and you finally found out how to take out a gun: Option 1: shoot someone Option 2: suicide

Me: Aren't they the same thing?

What’s the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory?

Two test tickles.

I get so many things stuck in my head, though, unfortunately none of them were a bullet.

A woman's husband has a yearly conference. The first night he's away from home, their teenage son Tommy comes into their room at night and starts to make love to her, but she knows that it can be dangerous to wake a sleepwalker, so she doesn't say anything. He does this every night for two weeks and stops when his father comes home.

She realizes she's pregnant and has a baby boy.

The next year the same thing happens, she gets pregnant again, and has a baby girl.

The third year, she's feeling very guilty, and after thirteen nights of incredible passionate lovemaking she sits Tommy down and tells him, "Every time your father leaves town on business, you sleepwalk into my bedroom and make love to me. Bobby and Anna aren't just your brother and sister, you're their father!"

Tommy said "You think I was sleepwalking?"

What was the last thing to go through JFK's mind?

A bullet.

My friend died from an allergic reaction. He gave me an EpiPen while he was dying, so now I have something to remember him from.

The good thing about dead baby jokes is that they never get old.

What's the last thing emos feel before they die? Rope burn.

I've just started reading my first ever Braille horror story, and I think that something scary is about to happen. I can feel it.

There was a man named Matt that went to the church to confess one of his most recent sins. He told the priest, "I am here to tell you my sins." He was all for it and said, "Go ahead."

Matt, "Father, last night I almost cheated on my wife."

Priest, "How so?"

Matt, "We were together naked, but we didn't do anything, just rubbed each other, that's all."

Priest, "RUBBING TOGETHER IS THE SAME THING AS PUTTING IT IN! For your sins you must never see that woman again and put $50 in the donation box!"

Matt, "Okay, I promise not to see her again."

Then Matt walks out the door.

Priest, "Hey! I saw you! You didn't put any money in the donation box!!"

Matt, "Yes I did. I took the money and rubbed it against the box because you said rubbing it is the same thing as putting it in."

What's the best thing about dead baby jokes?

They never get old.

One day, a priest is walking down the street and sees a little girl with a box. "What's in the box?" the priest asks. "Christian kittens," the little girl answers.

Pleased, the priest smiles and continues on his way.

A week later, the same priest is walking down the street with a nun when he sees the little girl and the box again. "Ask her what she has in the box," he says, "It's the cutest thing!"

The nun walks up and asks the girl what she has in the box. "Atheist kittens," she says.

The priest rushes forward and says, "ATHEIST KITTENS!!! Last week you said they were 'Christian kittens!!!'"

"They were," she says. "Now their eyes are open."

You are walking through the woods when you cross a woman who has been raped and beheaded. What is the first thing you do?

Check your map, you’re obviously going in circles.

What are three things you can't give a black guy?

A fat lip, a black eye, and a job.

My midget landlord told me to pack my things up and that I've got 30 minutes to get out. That's short notice!

Why are white teenagers the best for the army? They are good at shooting things up.