Thing jokes

Can you imagine the last thing that went through the minds of 9/11 victims?

Well, probably the person in front of them.

What did the Chinese girl say when she had a baby?

"Sum ting wong."

Jesus takes his disciples to a bar.

"13 pints of water, please," he says to the barman.

"Oh, fuck, not you again," the barman replies.

"You boys are about to see something real special," says Jesus.

Grandpa: "Sonny, let me tell you something. There's only one damn thing in this whole world worse than Alzheimer's."

Boy: "What's that?"

Grandpa: "What's what?"

I'm the second worst thing to happen to those orphans.

The Good Old Days.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

What is one thing blind people and orphans have in common?

They both can't see their parents.

Don't you just hate it when your grandmas always complaining about things getting stuck between her false teeth, like my foreskin?

What's the worst thing that can happen to schools?

Quiet kids.

The most powerful thing in the world is babies. This is because they cry and get what every they want.

Where are average things manufactured?

The satisfactory!

My wife said I didn’t listen to a single thing she says.

What a weird way to start a conversation!

What do you call a disabled Chinese person?

Sum Ting Wong.

Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: their legs.

The good thing about being gay in school is that you can be the best student and still get all the D's.

What do you call a large lamp that does illicit things to young children?

A Jacko Lantern!

What's the best thing about a dead hooker? Refunds.

What is boring? Talking about boring things.

A man walks up to Lil Johnny one day and asks, "If you had one wish, but that wish will be granted to everyone on Earth... what would it be?"

So Lil Johnny thinks real hard and long, then said, "Well, I would wish for me to shit myself."

The man is shocked and asks why, and Lil Johnny replies, "Well, I would be on the toilet. I think everyone else would just be confused!"

A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.

The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."

The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."

The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."