Thing jokes

What's the worst thing that can happen to schools?

Quiet kids.

Grandpa: "Sonny, let me tell you something. There's only one damn thing in this whole world worse than Alzheimer's."

Boy: "What's that?"

Grandpa: "What's what?"

The most powerful thing in the world is babies. This is because they cry and get what every they want.

Can you imagine the last thing that went through the minds of 9/11 victims?

Well, probably the person in front of them.

Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.

There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.

Q. Why do orphans love elevators?

A. Because they're the only things to raise them.

Know what a 6.9 is?

Another good thing screwed up by a period.

Where are average things manufactured?

The satisfactory!

Jesus takes his disciples to a bar.

"13 pints of water, please," he says to the barman.

"Oh, fuck, not you again," the barman replies.

"You boys are about to see something real special," says Jesus.

My wife said I didn’t listen to a single thing she says.

What a weird way to start a conversation!

There are only 2 things I hate in this world:

1. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures. 2. The French.

What do you call a disabled Chinese person?

Sum Ting Wong.

What's the best thing about a dead hooker? Refunds.

The good thing about being gay in school is that you can be the best student and still get all the D's.

Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: their legs.

What is boring? Talking about boring things.

What do you call a large lamp that does illicit things to young children?

A Jacko Lantern!

A man walks up to Lil Johnny one day and asks, "If you had one wish, but that wish will be granted to everyone on Earth... what would it be?"

So Lil Johnny thinks real hard and long, then said, "Well, I would wish for me to shit myself."

The man is shocked and asks why, and Lil Johnny replies, "Well, I would be on the toilet. I think everyone else would just be confused!"

A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.

The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."

The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."

The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."

I am trying to re-comment something that used to be on here, but is no longer on here.

Here are some rules to make a good joke:

1: Don't say “my life.”

2: Proofread your joke and make sure people can read it/have good grammar in it.

3: And don’t repost things (although this last one is hypocritical because this was me trying to repost something, but it is still a good rule to go by).