They're jokes
I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don’t understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what’s so sad?" and she said, "What do you think was running through these kid’s head before they died?" I replied, "probably a bullet." She gasped and said, "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent’s heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."
Someone broke into my house and took my anti-depressants... I hope they're happy now.
What does a priest and time have in common? They're both predators.
Bad handjobs are rare. They’re hard to come by.
A girl and her brother are walking in their garden. POV: Brother. Sister: "Why are you cutting those flowers?"
Brother: "Because they're beautiful!"
Sister: "I thought you said you cut yourself because you aren't."
Brother:......
If you tell a girl they're pretty, they won't believe you. If you tell them they're ugly, they'll never forget it.
Elephants never forget.
Can you believe they're still together after everything they've been through?
Who you might ask...
YOUR ASS CHEEKS!
What's the difference between Donald Trump and a dirty diaper?
Answer: none, they're both self-absorbed and full of sh*t!
Me: The man sleeped in a $200 bed in His hole life so why dose he need a $2,000 coffin?
My friend: They're cheaper at Costco.
Me: Oh shit, you're going to have "fun" this weekend.
Why are mountains 🏔 so funny? Because they’re hill areas, do you get it? They are hill areas, like a mountain is a hill area. It sounds like hilarious, so you get it.
If I went to Walmart, I would be able to scan my own wrists because they're barcodes too.
Why do science jokes usually get no reaction?
Because they're so boron!
A: What's the similarity between your girlfriend and the sun?
B: They're both hot?
A: They're both massive.
Q: Why don't cars work after you change their wheels?
A: Because they're retired!
Stop making moo jokes, they're so annoying!
One day, two Chinese people with broken English go to America. When they arrive, they go to a small place to eat. When they look at the menu, they see "hot dog," but since their English is bad, they think it's literally a roasted dog and order it. When it comes back, they're both surprised, and one of them asks,
"What part of the dog did you get?"
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can't unscrew a pregnant woman.
What's a similarity between a broken lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
They're both accidents.
Why aren't there any stray cats in Chinatown?
There are, but they're just listed as "pork" on the menus.
Why can't cheetahs play any games?
Because they're cheetahs!
Short people tend to get angry easily...
'Cause they're so close to the ground, their anger doesn't dissipate easily...