What do vacuums and your mom have in common?
They both suck.
They Jokes
Why can't you kill a depressed person?
Because they are already dead inside.
The bushes outside got jealous after they saw your eyebrows.
These three men wanted to start a band. One had the idea to call them the Rolling Stones, one wanted to call them the Veggies, the other said, "Let's be the Cripples," as they all rolled away.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
Because they can't find home.
What did the Asian parents say when they had a disabled kid?
Sum ting wong.
Americans when they think they have the best offensive British jokes: "we threw your tea in the ocean." đ
British people making offensive jokes about America: "our towers didnât explode."đ
If some girls are vegan, then why do they suck dick?
People complain we are overpopulated.
Well, then if we committed suicide, then why do they be sad? It's one less person to think about. Why complain about it when in the end we become sad people?
Why are Michael Jackson and caviar so much in common?
They both come on little white crackers.
What does the starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common?
Answer: They both circle Ur-Anus looking for Kling-Ons!
Whatâs the difference between a prostitute and a Twinkie?
Nothing. They both squirt their white stuff when you eat it.
Why do orphans love boomerangs?
Because they come back.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Two Italian men get on a bus.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
Where's a cannibal's favorite place to eat?
Chili's, because they got them baby back ribs.
Three blonde sisters die and are told by an angel that in order for them to go to heaven they have to pass all 100 steps. But each step has a joke, each joke gets funnier and funnier. And in order to pass them all, you can't laugh at any joke or else you go to hell. The blonde girls accept the offer.
So the angel begins telling them the jokes. One of the girls laughs at the 3rd step. The second blonde laughs halfway there. Finally, the last blonde was at the 100th step. The angel said, "This is the last step. If you laugh you will go straight to hell with your sisters and if you don't you can pass." The blonde agrees and the angel starts to tell the joke, "What do you ca..." Out of nowhere the blonde starts bursting out laughing. "Why are you laughing? I haven't even finished the joke yet!" The blonde replies, "I just got the first joke!"
What do french fries đ do when they meet?
They ketchup.
I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I donât understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "whatâs so sad?" and she said, "What do you think was running through these kidâs head before they died?" I replied, "probably a bullet." She gasped and said, "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parentâs heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."
Why do orphans love having sex?
Because they can finally call somebody "daddy."
