They jokes
I've just started a new business making people breathe in large amounts of helium. They all speak very highly of it.
Yo mama so fat, when she joined NASA, they put her in orbit and the next day there was a lunar eclipse.
What does a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
They can both smell it, but they can’t eat it.
You walk into a McDonald's and you ask for some extra mayo, and they put too much on there.
I say I didn't order a "McCumshot."
What’s the difference between a prostitute and a Twinkie?
Nothing. They both squirt their white stuff when you eat it.
Three guys are in the woods, a really smart guy, an average guy, and a really dumb guy. They're bored, so the smart guy decides to go hunting. A little while later he comes back with a deer. The average guy asks, "How did you do that?" The really smart guy says, "I see deer tracks, I follow deer tracks, I see deer, I shoot deer." The average guy says, "I think I understand," and leaves. A little bit later he comes back with a raccoon. The really dumb guy goes *gasp*, "How did you do that!?" And the average looks at him funny and says, "Well, I see raccoon tracks, I follow raccoon tracks, I see raccoon, I shoot raccoon." The super dumb guy thinks for a second and says, "Oooohh, ok, I think I can do that..." and leaves.
Hours pass, and the guy finally returns, hurt, bloody, and horribly mangled. They run to help him. Finally, one of the guys asks him what happened. This is what he said: "I see train tracks, I follow train tracks, I see train, I shoot train. But train keep coming."
Why did the man say chickens were lucky?
Because they get killed and eaten.
What happened when your parents dropped you off at the orphanage? They got sued for littering.
Your mom is so ugly. When she goes to the dentist, they make her face down.
Ever heard of a rape victim with Alzheimers? Yeah, neither have they.
Why can't orphans play online games? Because they don't have parents to sign them up.
What shoes do pedophiles wear? White vans.
How do pedophiles fit in? They force it to go in.
How do you make a 16 mm hole into a 40 mm hole? A pedophile comes in.
What did Santa say when he was passing over some hookers? "Ho ho ho!"
Why don't Chinese kids celebrate Christmas?
Because they make the toys.
Today, I operated on a little girl. She needed O-negative blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin sister has O-negative blood. I explained to her that it was a matter of life and death. She sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to her parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took her blood and she asked, “So when will I die?” She thought she was going to give her life for her sister. Thankfully they both died.
Me traveling back in time to tell Americans there will be a big tsunami on 9/11/2001, and to survive it they have to climb the two tallest buildings in New York.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
Because they can't find home.
Why were the people in the Twin Towers such good readers?
They went through 110 stories in 10 seconds.
The bushes outside got jealous after they saw your eyebrows.
Why do rapists and pedophiles never win a race?
Because they always like to come in a little behind.
I don't like 9/11 jokes, they tend to crash and burn.