They jokes
One day, a chicken went to the nail store. He asked the "owner" where the shampoo was. "BRO IM NOT THE FRIKKIN MANAGER!" the guy said. So the duck walked away.
The next day he went back to the store and asked a pregnant lady why she was so fat. The lady punched him and ran away. The duck cried. Then he went to the lady's husband and said that he must be tired of being married since she punches people every day. The man punched him. The duck assumed they were the punching couple. The duck walked, and then fell in a ditch and stayed there to die. The pregnant lady and her husband were very pleased >:) muhahahahahahaha
The Lenovo computers at school stopped working.
They had to call an archeologist.
What do my wife and dinner have in common? They are both vegetables.
How do you know when you're disliked?
When they always give you the camera for group photos.
You take a plane from Australia. Your mom is American, your dad is British, and your brother (and you) is Canadian (well, because they traveled along many places). You are eating dinner, but you realized you were going to Europe.
You went sleepy, and you forgot your pet named "Strallia." But she could not go anyways, so you had to leave her. When you went to Europe, you were in the "COUNTRY-SIDE."
Why should you wrap your hamsters in duct tape?
So they don't explode when you f*** them.
Why can't all orphans learn about ancient Egypt? Because they don't know what a mummy is.
In kindergarten, we were starting to learn how to use "big kid words." On Monday, the teacher asked everyone to share what they did over the weekend, but we had to use big kid words.
Eventually it got to my turn, and the teacher asked me what I did over the summer. I told her I read a book. She asked me what book, and to remember to use "big kid words." I'll never forget the horrified look on her face when I replied with "Winnie the Shit."
Ok, here's a story about the church.
There were two parents, then they had a baby. Then they go to the church and the baby was getting a cross on his forehead. Guess he was big headed. Sorry if this offends anyone or makes this joke bad since I keep writing this.
I like my women thick, so if they aren't over 375 pounds, they're not stepping into my room.
You walk into an area that has big asses on the wall, and they feel lifelike, so you put your dick into them, and you go on the opposite side of the wall, and women are naked through the wall.
Why do golfers always bring a spare pair of pants? Because they always get a hole in one!
What do babies and explosives have in common?
They both make a noise when you throw them.
What do orphans do after they win a game?
Nothing, they have no one to play games with.
Why do orphans like boomerangs?
They actually come back.
Why is the UK bad at chess?
Because they have no queen.
Are you angry?
Go bully an orphan!
What are they gonna do, tell their parents?
A man was almost about to drown. A boat said, "Do you need help?" And he said no.
After the boat left, another boat came to the sea, and they asked if he needed help, and he said no.
And he asked God, "Why didn't you help me?"
God said, "I sent you two big boats, you dummy!"
Why do rappers make great fishermen?
They always have the best HOOKS.
Why do blonde prostitutes prefer blowjobs?
They hate it when you hand it to them.