They jokes
Jesus shows up and says you’ve got to go to church.
You follow him in, and under their breath, it sounds like somebody says, "You steal." You say in your mind, knowing you have before, "I’m sorry." Then somebody coughs, and under their breath, it sounds like they say again, "You steal," so you whisper quietly, "I’m sorry."
...then somebody in German says, "Schieß den Hurensohn!"
What's the best thing about dead baby jokes?
They never get old.
I tell short people to reach for the stars.
They are always a bit short of reach.
Enough of the sex jokes! I mean, come on, they are not even funny!
Man, abortion jokes just don't get old, do they?
In fact, they don't age at all.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over a bay, they would be bagels.
A rich guy and a poor guy have their wedding anniversary on the same day. They meet each other at the shopping complex.
The poor guy asks the rich guy, "What'd you get for your wife today?"
The rich guy replies, "I got her a diamond ring and a Mercedes."
The poor guy asks, "Why did you get two gifts for her?"
The rich guy says, "If she doesn't like the diamond ring, then she can return it in her Mercedes."
The rich guy asks the poor guy, "What'd you get for your wife?"
The poor guy says, "I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich guy asks, "Why did you get two gifts for her?"
The poor guy says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, then she can go f*** herself."
A little girl and a little boy are taking a bath together when the little girl looks down and asks, "What's that?"
The little boy says, "That’s my little red race car."
Ten minutes later, the boy looks down and asks, "What's that?"
The little girl says, "That’s my little red race car garage."
So later that night, the little boy asks the little girl if he can put his little red race car in her little red race car garage. She said yes, and then they pull down their pants and the boy tries putting his little red race car in her garage, but it won’t fit.
Downstairs, the mother hears an ear-piercing scream and runs up the stairs, flips on the lights and sees blood on the floor. The mother asks, "What happened?"
The little girl says, "We tried putting his car in my garage and it wouldn’t fit, so I cut the back wheels off."
A man and a woman get married. The woman was a retired hooker. The man was a poet.
The man said as they did 69, "You taste better than my most delicious gourmet meal." The woman said, "Well, you aren’t too bad either, but the best 69 I’ve gotten and given was Harry. He did it for 24 hours nonstop." They got divorced that night.
What does Kurt have in common with painters?
They paint walls.
What does an autistic kid and a loaf of bread have in common?
They both have special needs.
What do hockey players and Surrey girls have in common?
They both only change their pads after every third period!
Why can't orphans play baseball?
Because they have no home to run to.
What's the difference between my dad and milk? There is no difference; they both left.
My phone is just like the Twin Towers; they got put in airplane mode.
"People are more honest when they are tired, so I made my nephew do push-ups 50 times when I realized he stole my cookies."
Why can't fat kids change a tire?
They would eat the donut.
Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find Homeplate.
Why do disabled people not like comedians?
Because they do stand up.
What's so special about Palestinian sex dolls?
They blow themselves up.