They jokes
Who read the most words?
911 passengers, they read 12 stories in 9.10 seconds.
Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"
Why did the orphan become a prostitute?
Because they needed someone to call "daddy".
Why did the pirate kids ride the short bus to school?
Because they were retarrrrrrrrrded.
Why don't feminists like to eat hotdogs? Because they remind them of men's dicks.
Why are cats good at video games?
Because they have nine lives!
joe: Are your mom and dad nice?
zozo: Well, they were until I murdered them over a bottle of Pringles.
joe: Oh, so you are an orphan and a murderer.
What do apples and witches have in common? They both hang on trees.
What did scientists prove when they saw a skeleton on the moon?
The cow didn’t make it.
Why can't a blind person eat fish?
They can't see food.
Do you know why pedos get away with molesting orphans? Who are they gonna tell? Not their parents.
What do an ice cream cone and a Ukrainian orphanage have in common?
Children scream when they melt.
What’s the difference between a retard and a zombie? Nothing much, they both dribble, moan, are hungry, walk weirdly, and it takes a bullet in the head to put them both down.
Why can't orphans be gay?
They don't have a closet to come out of.
What does a baby and a hand grenade have in common?
They both make noise when you throw them.
Three guys are on a plane: one is Asian, one is Mexican, and the other is an American. The pilot says, "There is too much weight on the plane, you all need to throw something off." So the Mexican threw out a burrito and said, "I have plenty of these where I come from." Then the Asian threw out some rice and said, "I have plenty of these in my country." The American threw out a bomb and said, "I have a lot of these in my country."
The plane crashes anyway, and the three men start to walk away from the crash. As they were walking, they found a boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of burritos fell out of the sky and got me all messy." The men started walking away and soon enough they found another boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of rice fell out of the sky and shredded all my clothes." The guys knew who did it but avoided the trouble. They kept on walking and found a kid laughing so hard he was on the ground, and they asked what had been so funny. The boy said, "MY GRANDPA FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!"
Jeff asks, "Did you hear about the guy they call the flash?"
Bob responds, "No, I haven't. Do they call him that because he runs fast?"
Jeff replies, "Nah, they call him that because he doesn't wear pants."
What kind of games do they play in Africa? The hunger games.
Why are orphans so skinny?
They never eat anything that is family size.
Why do witches wear name tags?
So they know which witch is which!