Thereness jokes
If the shoe doesn't fit, there's no evidence.
I asked my sister to get me a cup of fruit punch. I realized she was taking a bit so I walk to the kitchen and noticed that she spilled it on herself. I asked her, "How did you do that?" but there was no response.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alabama.
Alabama who?
Alabama your cousin.
There were ten cats in a boat, and one jumped out. How many were left?
None, 'cause they are all copycats.
There was a woman named Sally. She loved to have sex with other people. One time, she had sex with me. I noticed her bra size was 69 (+69). That is fucking big!
Ok, then when her partner was pissing, he told her she should call the doctor. So she dialed 2063512000 (+2000) and called the doctor. The office was on 51st street ave NE (+51). Holy shit, the doctor said! The boots were so big that she had to take 8 pills (x 8). The next morning, she was ________.
69 + 51 + 2000 x 8 = 16120
58008 (flip calculator)
Boobless.
Did you know that French fries aren't from France? They're cooked in Greece.
One day, there was an ugly barnacle. It was so ugly that everyone died. The end!
I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Knock knock? Who's there? Kanga. Kanga who? Not kangawho, kangaroo!
Why are orphans called orphans?
'Cause they're gay.
There was a doctor's room filled with 20 women, 4 kids, 15 men, and 1 dog. However, there were forty foreheads. How is this possible?
(They will think 44 heads, not 40 foreheads.)
Because there are 40 foreheads, not 44 heads.
A duck walks into a bar and says, "Got any bread?"
The bartender says, "No bread here."
And then the duck says, "Got any bread?"
And the bartender says, "Didn't I just f***ing say that there was no bread here?"
And the duck says, "Got any bread?!"
And the bartender says, "You stupid duck! Or should I say d***? There's no bread here. Don't make me say that again, or I'll pin you to the wall with a nail."
So the duck says, "Got any nails?"
And then the bartender looks surprised, and says, "Of course I've got f***ing nails. Can't you see them?"
And the duck says, "Got any bread?"
And the bartender throws the duck out of the bar.
Why are there no Olympics in Mexico?
Because everyone from Mexico that can run, jump, and swim is already over the border.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Hair.
Hair who?
Hairhairhairhairhairhair!
As a doctor myself, that nurse was very slow, she tested my patience!
Three kids one day found a magical slide. There was a sign next to it saying, “Whatever you wish for comes true once you slide down.” One kid stepped up and slid down. He wished for a river of chocolate, thus he swam in a chocolate river.
The second kid slid down and wished for a mountain of money. He then landed in a pile of money. The third kid went down and said, “Weeeeeeee!”
Prankster kid: Knock knock.
Neighbor: Who's there?
...
A man ordered a washing machine because his old one stopped working. As soon as the man opened his new washing machine, he immediately rejoiced because there was a woman inside. Without hesitation, the man yelled, "FREE DISHWASHER!"
There are sexiest women in politics.
They should be in a car showroom.
There's something special about cemeteries.
People are dying to get inside.