There jokes
Why did Stephen Hawking go to hell?
'cus there was only a stairway to heaven!
Oh baby, there's about to be 7 planets because I'm gonna destroy Uranus.
An obese, depressed mother is trying to tie a noose, but can't reach it, so she calls her son for help.
*A few minutes later*
son: There.
mother: Where did you learn to tie such a good noose?
son: Dad showed me before he died.
mother: DAMN HIM TO HE- *slips and the noose chokes her to death*
Q: Why do Skeletons hate the cold?
A: It sends chills up their spine.
Yo mama so old, she was there when Moses was born.
There were 500 bricks on a plane. One fell off.
Little Sally was crossing a river full of crocodiles. How did she survive the river? She had a gun. When she got out of the river, she died. Why? Because a brick fell on her head.
When you say to your dad...
AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Dad be like...
Who wants my son?
Nan be like, "Me!"
Kid be like...
AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GIVE ME #### ROUX!
What are roux, says nan?
Um, they're your life savings!
Nan be like, "Let's get some roux!"
There’s no "I" in "sex," but there’s a "U" in "cum."
I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died, so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone. And it turns out he only knows Spanish, so when he kept saying, "Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida," I thought he wanted water. But when I got back with the water he was asleep, and now my phone was charged, so I translated what he said. And it was, "You unplugged my life support." That's when I called the doctor...
Good news is, I got one sick selfie!
When your friend gets involved with someone, it affects the friendship. Whenever a friend of mine has a new girlfriend, we should say I looked like the person you used to know, but I've been modified to survive in this relationship. If we have an argument and she's there, I might disagree with you; I'd rather continue to see her naked.
Are you enjoying my yolks? I bet they're making you crack up. If not, I better scramble.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Europe.
Europe who?
No, I'm not.
Why are there gates on a graveyard?
Because people are dying to get inside. Lol
Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50. Getting home to find they've forgotten one of your dishes... rice-less!
You are American when you walk to the bathroom. What are you when you are in there?
You're-a-peein'. European.
There's an orphan in my class... For some reason, he never leaves.
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Bone."
"Bone who?"
"It's nice to meet cha'. Can we be friends? I'm bone-ly here."
Did you hear about that cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie!
Why can't dinosaurs clap? 'Cause they're dead.
Will you remember me in 7 years?
(Yes)
Knock, knock.
Who's there?