Them jokes

People were talking and asking what's the worst day of the year for them.

Person 1: "The first day of school because I don't like going to school."

Person 2: "Valentine's day because it's too lovey."

Me: "Oh nice, mine is my birthday because it's when I was born."

"Come on, man, give the orphans a break with these jokes."

"No, not until their parents pick them up."

The USA guaranteeing freedom of speech is the biggest joke I've heard... Tell that to the people who were almost killed because their cars had "NASCAR Sucks" and "Country and Western is rubbish" on them!

"What do we want?"

"HEARING AIDS!"

"When do we want them?"

"HEARING AIDS!"

I'd tell you a joke about unemployed people, but none of them work.

The other day my friend messaged me saying, "bro I have two pieces of bad news for you." I told him to combine them. He replied with, "your girlfriend is cheating on both of us."

I don’t know what’s worse: Finding bucket loads of porn on my dad’s laptop, or finding out he was in all of them.

What did the Twin Towers' mom say when she fed them? "Open wide honey, here comes the airplane."

What is the difference between a rapist and a dictionary?

One of them knows the definition of no.

April Fool's joke: Go to an orphanage and tell them, "Their parents came back."

My family is like treasure. You need a shovel and a map to find them.

What’s the difference between my lawn and my wrists?

Nothing, I cut both of them.

What's a similarity between your best friend and a tree?

They both fall over when you hit them with an axe.

Q: Why can't science be combined with religion?

A: 'Cause science creates skyscrapers and planes, while religion combines them.

What do a pedophile and a clock have in common? Neither of them go past 12.

What do you call a group of Emo kids?

Suicide Squad.

What jumps and never let's go?

An Emo kid.

I bet all Emos want to be like their biggest influencers some day.

Dead.

Why do Emos want to be the "Scene" these days?

The only thing I've "Scene" from them is their suicide rate climbing, it's starting to climb quicker than they did to get to the top of whatever they jumped off.

How can a person from Alabama tell that someone is an illegal immigrant?

If they are dating someone that isn't related to them.

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Three nuns are talking, and the first nun says, "You would never believe what I discovered." Intrigued, the others signal her to continue. "I found a phone in the priest's room," said the first nun. "Oh, that's nothing," said the second one. "I found condoms in one of his drawers." said the second one. "What did you do with them?" said the first nun. Pridefully, the second nun responds with, "I poked holes in all of them." and the third nun says, "Oh sh*t...."

Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you are pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well eff off straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”