What do a politician and a minister have in common?
Both of them will tell you anything to get money from you.
"Come on, man, give the orphans a break with these jokes."
"No, not until their parents pick them up."
"What do we want?"
"HEARING AIDS!"
"When do we want them?"
"HEARING AIDS!"
I'd tell you a joke about unemployed people, but none of them work.
The USA guaranteeing freedom of speech is the biggest joke I've heard... Tell that to the people who were almost killed because their cars had "NASCAR Sucks" and "Country and Western is rubbish" on them!
The other day my friend messaged me saying, "bro I have two pieces of bad news for you." I told him to combine them. He replied with, "your girlfriend is cheating on both of us."
I don’t know what’s worse: Finding bucket loads of porn on my dad’s laptop, or finding out he was in all of them.
What did the Twin Towers' mom say when she fed them? "Open wide honey, here comes the airplane."
What is the difference between a rapist and a dictionary?
One of them knows the definition of no.
April Fool's joke: Go to an orphanage and tell them, "Their parents came back."
Q: Why can't science be combined with religion?
A: 'Cause science creates skyscrapers and planes, while religion combines them.
What's a similarity between your best friend and a tree?
They both fall over when you hit them with an axe.
What’s the difference between my lawn and my wrists?
Nothing, I cut both of them.
What do a pedophile and a clock have in common? Neither of them go past 12.
My family is like treasure. You need a shovel and a map to find them.
What do you call a group of Emo kids?
Suicide Squad.
What jumps and never let's go?
An Emo kid.
I bet all Emos want to be like their biggest influencers some day.
Dead.
Why do Emos want to be the "Scene" these days?
The only thing I've "Scene" from them is their suicide rate climbing, it's starting to climb quicker than they did to get to the top of whatever they jumped off.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
How can a person from Alabama tell that someone is an illegal immigrant?
If they are dating someone that isn't related to them.
Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you are pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well eff off straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”
Three nuns are talking, and the first nun says, "You would never believe what I discovered." Intrigued, the others signal her to continue. "I found a phone in the priest's room," said the first nun. "Oh, that's nothing," said the second one. "I found condoms in one of his drawers." said the second one. "What did you do with them?" said the first nun. Pridefully, the second nun responds with, "I poked holes in all of them." and the third nun says, "Oh sh*t...."
