Will my suicidal thoughts leave me too if I get attached to them?
It's April Fools' Day. I'm gonna go to the orphanage and tell kids, "Their parents are here to pick them up."
Little Natalie was playing with matches. Her mother caught her, took them, whupped her, and told her never to play with matches again.
A few minutes later, Little Natalie was playing with matches again. The curtains caught fire, and the house burned down.
Another few minutes later, when she and her mother were sitting at their neighbors', her mother told her: "If you think I gave you a whupping, wait till your father gets home!"
Little Natalie just cackled with delight because she knew her father had gotten home earlier and gone upstairs to take a nap.
Two men are in a rainforest, and one of them is peeing. Suddenly, a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!” He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car, so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened, and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out.” The man went back to the other man and said, “There is no hope, you will die.”
What’s the best part about twenty-eight year olds?
There’s twenty of them.
Did you know when scientists discovered atoms could split, it blew them all away?
Tits are like Lego bricks. They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.
Never break someone’s heart, they only have one.
Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”
Did you hear about the German girl being raped by 10 men? She shouted, "nein, nein," so one of them left.
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doctor, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I have been tripping all day!
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew forty bucks in there."
Why do emo people want to be called scene now? The only thing I've seen from them is their suicide rate climbing.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
How do you help a suicidal person cheer up?
You tell them it's a leap of faith.
The depressed kid went to high five the tree... but the tree left them hanging.
Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"
An atom loses an electron... It says, "Man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
Why are most firefighters men? Because they like to find hot places and leave them wet.
