Them jokes

Why do you always high five the emo person? 'Cause you can't just leave them hanging.

[Them]: "Don't you think you'll feel ashamed of all the suicide jokes you've made when you get older?"

[Me]: "When I what?" 0-0

My family is like treasure; you need a map and a shovel to find them.

Did you know that if you go into an orphanage and tell them a "yo mama" joke, they won’t get it?

Do you know how to make 4 Albanians stand on a shoebox?

Just tell them that it floats.

Jokes about communism aren't funny unless everyone gets them.

Next time you see a Brit, go up to them and say:

"Imagine losing a 'Tea Party in Boston.'"

Better call NASA and tell them there are only going to be 7 planets after I destroy URANUS.

I now know what my first tattoo should be, zebra stripes! Not like anyone would know the difference between them.

Are you sure your father isn't a thief?

Because he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

Women be like if men are gone, Earth would be a better place, (forgetting) women help to create war, weapons, animal and human cruelty, and have helped to enforce laws that oppress them.

I was having issues in my personal and professional life. I hated everyone. I was on the brink of a mental breakdown and depression. I decided to see a therapist about it. The therapist suggested that I should write letters to the people I hate and then burn them. I must admit I feel much better...

But now I don't know what to do with the letters.

Your tits look heavy. Need help holding them up?

Free service for tit holding!

What is an orphan's favorite toy?

Answer: A boomerang, because it is the only thing that comes back to them.

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.

One day, the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet with her son.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"OK. How much?" the man replies, after considering the position he was in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats. "That's awful expensive," but because of the position he was in, agreed to the price.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway, and again places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies, and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says.

Someone prank calls a general. The general hangs up and goes, "Kids these days have no respect for their elders. That's why I send them all to die."

My relatives used to tease me at weddings, saying I'd be next. They soon stopped when I started doing the same to them at funerals.

So last night I went on a taxi and I showed them your photo. All they said was I could ride him, it would be expensive though, since from his eyebrows to hairline is at least £100.

Why can't science be combined with religion?

Because science creates skyscrapers and planes, while religion combines them.

What's the difference between a maze and a depressed life? One of them you can find a way out of.