Them jokes

Why should you wrap your hamsters in duct tape?

So they don't explode when you f*** them.

Did you hear the rumors about butter?

Never mind—you shouldn't spread them.

My mom said to go do the dishes, but she did them before me, so I killed myself.

Brother 2: We have these weird circles on the street! Government is tracking us!!!

Brother 1: They are just to sense cars so they can change lights. And it's the government.

Brother 2: Then why are there two in the left turn lane?

Brother 1: So one car isn't always going left and stopping the others.

Brother 2: Then why are they one car apart? Oh, to have three people going.

Brother 1: Correct. When I see one car on the first, I go on the second so my light changes.

Brother 2: You monster.

Brother 1: I wonder if they trigger by weight?

Brother 2: HA. Yo mama would trigger the sensor.

Brother 1: ARG. It's OUR MAMA you're disrespecting.

Mother (brother 1): What's going on boys? *looks in mirror* HOLY SH@& SHE IS PRETTY!

Brother 2: I think you should take your pills.

Brother 1: Found them.

*imaginary mother and brother fade away*

Thank you ELECTROBOOM for inspiring this joke/sh!t. Go subb to him.

Btw the (1) means it is just imaginary brother one acting like another brother.

Do you guys know why women have small feet? It's because God created them to stand closer to the sink when they wash dishes.

Why did the chef cook his eggs on the golf course? Because he wanted them par-boiled!

One time in camp, I kissed my bunkmate Bret in the shower. He cupped my breasts and lathered them in Prell, but I'm totally not gay... :)

Three nuns went up to Mother Teresa and said, "Mother Teresa, we would not like to be nuns anymore." Mother Teresa said, "Okay, but first you have to do something unholy." So they leave and come back three days later. The first one says, "Mother Teresa, I did something unholy. I took a little kid's bike." Mother Teresa says, "Okay, drink from the holy water and you are free to go." The second nun walks up, upset, "I did something worse than her. I slept with a married man." The last nun walks up and says, "I did something worse than all of them." Mother Teresa says, "Oh god, oh gosh, what is it?" And the third nun says, "I peed in the holy water."

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

Two nuns were sitting on a bench. A flasher flashed them, and one of the nuns had a stroke... but the other one was too far away :)

Why do women have periods?

Because they deserve them, haha!

Pussies and tits have one thing in common: they're both made for kids, but men end up licking or suckling them.

Touch your toes and hold them. Then spell "run." It will say, "r.u.n."

Say _______ is so flat that when someone hit them, they got a paper cut!

I got two cups of milk. One for me and one for my son.

We both drank them at the same time and tried not to puke. I won, since my son is face first on the table with his blood all over.

Have a child you don't want? Just drop them off at a school they don't know and drive away.

How to make an orphan's feet bleed? Make them run in place until their parents get them.

People shouldn't worry about how orphans would feel reading these jokes. It's not like they have parents to buy them a phone or computer to see them, or even a place to charge them even if they did have one.

What do blind kids and orphans have in common? I fucking hate their whiny asses and beat them up.

What does your dad's cock and Darryl's Savouries have in common?

I want them both in my mouth!