Them jokes
Why do cemeteries have fences around them? People are dying to get in.
Three Europeans head to an island. They are captured by the island people. They are going to kill them, and they plead. They grant them a chance to live. The island people tell them to grab a fruit from the tribe's garden and bring it back, then to follow the task at hand.
The first guy brings back a peach. The island leader says, "Stick it up your ass. If you laugh, you die." The first guy shoves it up his ass and laughs, so they kill him. The second guy brings a grape, he does the same and laughs, making them kill him.
The first two are in heaven together. "Peaches are fuzzy, so I laughed. How the hell did you die? You had a grape!" says the first guy. The second guy replied, "It didn't tickle at all. I laughed at the sight [of] the third guy was bringing over a pineapple."
You want to know how to spot a foster kid?
Them carrying their whole life in a Hefty trash bag.
My mom is the jelly, and my dad is the peanut butter. And I am the bread, the only thing keeping them together.
Yesterday, there was a blackout on my street.
So I sold them.
Johnny: Why do cuss words exist?
Mom: That's not something you should think about right now. I'll tell you when you're older.
|| 20 YEARS LATER ||
Johnny: Mom, now can you tell me why cuss words exist?
Mom: Because some people invented them so that they could use them when something annoying happened to them.
Johnny: Damn, Mom, you shoulda told me that when I was still seven 'cause now I really feel like that person.
Orphans are pretty tough. I mean, you never see them running home...
Why are priests called father? Because it's too sus to call them daddy!
What do Joe Biden and Russia have in common?
Neither of them respect boundaries.
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her $10 "pay" to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh, my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the fucking sheet rock!"
"Come on, man, give the orphans a break with these jokes."
"No, not until their parents pick them up."
How do you get 50 babies into a car?
You blend them.
Why do orphans hate dodgeball?
No one misses them.
I have so many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
Q. How many babies does it take to shingle a roof? A. Depends how thin you slice them.
Why do trannies have such high rates of suicide?
Because they want everyone to accept them, but they can't accept themselves.
My nuts hurt; if you pull them, I will scream.
My nuts tickle; scratch them, and I won’t like you no more.
What's the best thing about 28 year olds?
- There's 20 of them.
This is not a joke, nor did I come up with it.
If somebody calls you ugly, just hug them and say, "Life must be hard for you since you have visual impairment!"
If someone calls you fat, just ignore them. You are bigger than that!