The jokes

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Do you have any problems with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says, "No." So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

Little Natalie was playing with matches. Her mother caught her, took them, whupped her, and told her never to play with matches again.

A few minutes later, Little Natalie was playing with matches again. The curtains caught fire, and the house burned down.

Another few minutes later, when she and her mother were sitting at their neighbors', her mother told her: "If you think I gave you a whupping, wait till your father gets home!"

Little Natalie just cackled with delight because she knew her father had gotten home earlier and gone upstairs to take a nap.

Why are Republicans supporting giving felons the right to vote?

Because their own personal jeebus is a felon!

Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages?

Because there were too many knights.

They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, well not if it's poisoned.

Then the antidote becomes the most important.

What's the difference between a school and an ISIS military base? Don't ask me, I only fly the drone.

How do you surprise a blind guy? Leave the plunger in the toilet.

An apple and an emo kid fall off a tree at the same time. Who hits the ground first?

The apple, because the emo kid got caught by the rope.

Remember, kids: the school shooter can't get you if YOU are the shooter.

What is the difference between a feminist and a female prostitute? If you want a female prostitute to be a bitch, you have to give her money first.

If you're American outside the restroom, what are you in the restroom?

European.

What are you on your way to the bathroom?

Russian.

It sucks that Stephen Hawking died so soon, the new Intel update just came out.

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged.

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. The odds were against me.

ok this isn't a joke but it's funny.

Roses are red, nuts are brown, Skirts go up, pants go down. Body to body, skin to skin, when it's stiff, stick it in. It goes in dry, comes out wet, the longer it's in, the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and starts to sag, It's not what you think, it's a lipton tea bag.

Get your mind out of the gutter.

Who do you think is the fastest reader? Incorrect. It's 9/11. It went through 100 stories in 2 seconds.

Halloween! The day nobody questions the bodies dangling in your tree!

Got into a fight last night. We both had blades. He cut me deep. I thought I was gone, but he forgot to keep the water running.

Weird thing was that we were in the fight of our lives in the restroom and that guy kinda looked like me.

What's the difference between a Catholic hospital and Michael Jackson's Children's Hospital?

No seriously, what is it?

What's the difference between snow men and snow women?

Snow balls.