The jokes
Why was Saudi Arabia sad during 9/11?
Because there were no more planes.
Hey, guy, you suck! Why do I suck? Because you're the one that's sucking juice out of a straw.
I got fired from my paramedic job on the first day. I told an eight-year-old who lost his leg in a car accident to "walk it off."
Why are there more female history teachers than male?
Because women like to bring up the past.
Why should you always give an emo a high five in the hallway? You can’t leave them hanging.
What’s the best part about stage four cancer?
There’s no stage five.
Why do American guns only have 30 rounds in the clip? Because that’s the average class size.
My girlfriend died in Tokyo during a tsunami. I was sad, but my friend told me, "Don't worry, there are plenty more in the ocean."
The interviewer asked me if I had a criminal record when I was requesting Australian citizenship.
I replied, "No. Is that still required?"
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the keyhole and you’ll see.
Leave a man on a plane, and he flies for a day.
Throw a man off a plane, and he flies for the rest of his life.
Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?
Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.
The USA has school shootings. We Canadians have bus beheadings.
Q. What do you get when you cross Vince Li with a bus? A. A whole lot of people who wished they'd missed the bus that day.
What's the difference between your mom and a laundromat washer?
The washer doesn't take loads for free.
What does the blind man say when he walks past the fish market?
"Hello, ladies!"
Yo mama so fat...
...people in Florida start buying flood insurance when they see her waddling toward the ocean.
What's the difference between a prostitute and a Democrat? A Democrat will keep screwing you when you run out of money.
What happened to the frog that partied illegally?
He got TOAD away!
Roses are red, I need a broom, I just shit all over the bathroom.