The jokes

Sex

What is the speed limit for sex? 68, because if you go any faster, you’ll have to turn around.

Orphan

What's the difference between an apple and an orphan? Apples get picked. Orphans don't.

Swimsuit

Why was the two-piece swimsuit invented?

To separate the meat section from the dairy section.

What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening?

A kitchen chair! Your momma sits in it for lunch, and your dad only manages to reattach one of the two legs that broke off by evening.

Roast

I'd say you were the spawn of Satan, but that would be an insult to Satan.

Church

Did you hear about the streaker in church? He was caught by the organ.

Santa

Why does Santa come down the chimney? Because he knows he isn't allowed to come in the back door.

Viagra

What do you get when you mix Viagra with spinach?

Strong to the finish.

Orphan

Why does a kid never come home after a fight with their parents? Because they never found the key to the house again.

Two ropes meet. They ask each other, "Why are you wearing a hijab?" The other replies, "I want to go into the water now."

Forehead

Your forehead is so big, they used it for the Berlin Wall and the USA border.

Hairline

Your hairline is receding so hard, they petitioned it to change for the McDonald's logo.

Vegetable

What vegetable is good for your memory? A carrot, because the last time I had one shoved up my ass, I never forgot about it.

Nun

Two nuns are riding their bikes down a cobblestone path.

One nun turns to the other one and says, "I’ve never come this way."

The other one says, "Neither have I. It must be the cobblestones."

Lesbian

Did you hear about the lesbian midget? She probably came out of the cabinet.

Women

How do women hold their liquor? By the ears.

What's the difference between Canada and the USA?

In the USA, Trump is sitting in the Oval Office.

In Canada, he'd be sitting in the waiting room of a MAiD clinic.

Neighbor

I don't like consistency. Last night, I spent three hours looking at a room and thinking, "I need a flower pot here, and the couch should be on the right." Eventually, the police arrived and led me away from my neighbor's window.