The jokes

What is black and sits at the top of the stairs? -- Steven Hawking after a house fire.

What is black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

Yo mama so dumb, she got hit by a cup and told the police she got mugged.

Stop hating on pedos. At least they drive slow in school zones.

A Blonde walks into a hospital claiming that everywhere she touches hurts. So she goes into the examination room and the doctor says, "Okay, I'd like you to point to wherever it hurts." So the Blonde pokes her cheek and says, "Here. Ow." She then pokes her arm and says, "Here. Ow." She then repeats this with different parts of her body until the doctor finally says that she should stop.

The doctor says, "I know what's happened to you." "What's happened to me?" The Blonde says, concerned. The doctor simply replies, "You have a broken finger."

What is the difference between butter and a blonde? - Butter is difficult to spread.

Little Jonny walks in on his parents having sex. He asks what they're doing and the father says: "Well...we're making you a brother." So little Jonny runs off to let his parents finish, happy that he's going to have a brother soon.

The next day when little Jonny's father comes home, Jonny is crying out on the driveway. The father sits down next to Jonny and asks what's wrong. Jonny cries: "I won't have a baby brother!" His father is confused. "What do you mean?" he asks. "Because the mailman came by today and ate him!"

What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam.

What did the other fish say to that fish when he hit the wall? Dumb Bass.

Why did the electron leave the atom?

Because it had its ion someone else.

People say that life is short.

I say... life is the longest thing we ever do.

How does a gay man trick a heterosexual man that is homophobic into giving him a brojob?

The gay man puts mustard on his dick and then puts his dick inside a glory hole.

A pedophile is chatting on the internet: "On a scale of one to ten, how old are you?"

Have you heard of the current event in Africa? It’s called the Hunger Games.

You wanna know what's the difference between a girl and a refrigerator? "A refrigerator doesn't moan when I put my meat in it."

I can hear thunder outside, which I find weird since the lightning is on my arm...

Why did the Secret Service detain Johnny Depp at the White House?

Because he was about to kick the cabinet.

What is the difference between a sloth and a depressed kid? A sloth doesn't need a rope to hang.

What do you call a dad in the mirror?

(Your imagination.)

I lost a race with a handicapped person today. The problem was the race was all stairs.

Gravity sure is fast.

To the guy who stole my depression medication,

I hope you're happy.