The jokes
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket, "You can hide but you can't run."
"I'm thinking about killing off the main character in this book I'm writing."
"What type of book is it?"
"An autobiography."
My fondest childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather. That is, until my mom took the urn away from me.
A man gets kicked out of police camp after writing "Who's that Pokémon?" next to all of the chalk outlines.
My friend: "Ess, stop with the self-harm jokes it's not funny."
Me: "C'mon it's not that deep."
Ever heard of the show "Naked and Afraid"? That's what I call hide-and-seek with my uncle.
What's the difference between a grape, an apple, and an arm? You don't slice a grape.
Two kids were beating up a kid in an alley, so I stepped in to help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.
Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's candy.
But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jill's real name is Randy.
"I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, 'You're next.' So I started doing the same to them at funerals, 'You're next.'"
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.
The more suicidal people there are, the fewer suicidal people there are.
A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike, if the rubber breaks, you're f**ked.
What did the north tower say to the south tower?
"Let’s talk later, I gotta catch a plane."
Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn't believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.
In order to get $355 million for his civil fraud case, Donald Trump desperately needed to fundraise. So, in every Republican Party event, he will serve the Patriotic Trump Dog! It consists of an 80-year-old sausage inside a 10-year-old cream bun, topped with Russian dressing.
Trump does have the best people, doesn't he?
I will always remember my grandpa's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
I'd tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.
When I was watching my daughter at the park earlier, another parent asked a man, "Which one is yours?" and he replied, "I'm still choosing." She looked horrified.
So sad when the emo kid tried to give a high five to a tree.
Too bad he left him hanging.