The jokes

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep... That’ll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

What’s the similarity between peas from Tesco and emos?

They both have barcodes.

Person 1: You are the dumbest person in the class.

Person 2: Well, you're the second. Maybe, but at least I'm not the dumbest.

Person 2: I know how to fix that!

... Next day person commits suicide...

A young boy was picked up by a strange young man who put him in his car and drove into an abandoned farm.

"This place looks scary," the kid said.

And the man replies, "I know right, I have to walk out of there alone."

A cemetery should be built next to orphanages, so the orphans can see their parents.

A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help!" she said. "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

The F in orphan stands for family... oh wait.

What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? -- Well, the flag is a big plus.

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

I tried dressing up as the plane that crashed into the Twin Towers for the office costume party.

It didn't land too well.

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

By rearranging the furniture.

What's the cheapest kind of meat you can buy?

Deer balls. They're under a buck.

What’s the hardest thing about being a rapist? Fitting in.

Two blondes fall down a well. One says to the other one, "Isn't it dark down here?" She replies, "I don't know. I can't see."

I like my girls how I like my wine, 12 years locked in the basement.

What happened when the emo kid tried to high 5 a tree?

It left him hanging.

Q: What's the difference between me and cancer?

A: My dad didn't beat cancer...

what's the difference between a baby and an onion?

I cry when I chop up an onion.

So, we all know that old kids' joke: why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9. Well, why was 10 scared? Because he was in the middle of 9 11.

It's April Fools' Day. I'm gonna go to the orphanage and tell kids, "Their parents are here to pick them up."