That jokes

An ICE agent tells a Mexican that he can get his green card if he can use green, pink, and yellow correctly in a sentence. The Mexican thinks for a minute and says, "My phone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow."

I heard that cataracts are the third leading cause of blindness...

... the first two being politics and religion.

What did the trans woman say after finally telling her parents about her surgeries?

“It felt really good to get that off my chest.”

I used to be in a special needs class, and the teacher sent a student (if you want to call them that) out to the hall for being late.

I asked her, "Why did you send James out to the hall?"

She said, "He was a little tardy."

I replied to her, "I thought they all were."

I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."

What do you call a non-binary person that is lactose intolerant?

Non-buy dairy.

Why does Batman cover half of his face? To let the police know that he's white.

You look sexy with that rope around your neck.

Did you know that a majority of the U.S. is afraid of the dark?

Especially if they are right behind you at the ATM.

Can you imagine the last thing that went through the minds of 9/11 victims?

Well, probably the person in front of them.

Dude,

if you stab a cereal box, will that make you a cereal killer?

What did Adam say when he saw Eve?

Answer: "Woman!"

I got told I'm too mean and that I need to think before I speak. So now I take a couple minutes and think of what will REALLY piss the other person off.

my therapist told me that time heals wounds i stabbed him now we wait

Has anybody noticed that the New York City football team is the New York Jets? They sure know how to scare the Twin Towers.

My grandpa said, "You kids rely on too much electronics." I said, well we will see about that. *unplugging life support* me: *oops*

You know that if it says, "Adopt a Highway" and no one does, we're driving on orphans.

My sis told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry...

So I threw a coconut at her.

What do you call a priest that graduated from law school?

Father-in-law.

Yo mama's so gay that, after watching Aladdin, she tried to fly on a pride flag!