That jokes

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

My mom tells me to stop with the suicide jokes, and I replied with, "It's not that deep."

What's the worst thing that can happen to schools?

Quiet kids.

Grandpa: "Sonny, let me tell you something. There's only one damn thing in this whole world worse than Alzheimer's."

Boy: "What's that?"

Grandpa: "What's what?"

It is reported that when Churchill met Stalin at Yalta, they discussed their hobbies.

Churchill said: "I collect the jokes people tell me about me."

"That's a coincidence," said Stalin, "I collect the people who tell jokes about me."

What do you call a Mexican that lost his car?

Carlos.

What did Adam say when he saw Eve?

Answer: "Woman!"

I brought a new pen that can write underwater. It can also write other words.

My boy, I think it is about time that I leave this world. Now draw your weapon and kill me now!

*draws a picture of his "epic" sword*

"What... WHAT... WTH ARE YOU DOING SIMPLETON? I DIDN'T MEAN THAT KIND OF DRAW!"

I took a pole today. 100% of the people in the tent were unhappy that it collapsed.

You look sexy with that rope around your neck.

Has anybody noticed that the New York City football team is the New York Jets? They sure know how to scare the Twin Towers.

My sis told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry...

So I threw a coconut at her.

What do you call a priest that graduated from law school?

Father-in-law.

Yo mama's so gay that, after watching Aladdin, she tried to fly on a pride flag!

Q: What did Chris Brown say when he first saw Rhianna?

A: I'd hit that.

Did you hear that Michael Jackson once got food poisoning?

He ate 12-year-old nuts.

You know that if it says, "Adopt a Highway" and no one does, we're driving on orphans.

What do you call a non-binary person that is lactose intolerant?

Non-buy dairy.

My grandpa said, "You kids rely on too much electronics." I said, well we will see about that. *unplugging life support* me: *oops*