That jokes
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but there will always be something that offends feminists.
To my best friend, my brother is like a spider. She chose to kill him straight away. That's why she is my friend, after all!
A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.
However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.
So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.
He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.
The man replies, “No.”
The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”
The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”
“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”
“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”
Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: their legs.
I've got 99 problems and one of them is that I count my problems instead of solving them.
I guess that corn is a-maize-ing.
This Fairy Tail shirt is only $9.99! Guess you can say that's a fair retail.
Do y'all know the saying "Hang in there?" Well, fuck that, because I might as well be hanging myself.
Yo mama's so fat that when she went sky diving, she caused another global extinction.
You're so skinny that you use Chapstick as deodorant.
I just heard that the inventor of the autocorrect died the other day.
May he rest in pizza.
Kid: "Mom, I had a scary dream. Can I come sleep with you and dad?"
Mom: "Sure, sweetie, sleep in the middle."
Kid: "Dad, can you get the remote out of my back?"
Dad: "That isn't the remote."
*Weird background music*
Why do people come on here just to say that we should not be making these jokes? They literally look this shit up just to complain.
Me: *stabs vampire*
Wife: omg
Me: *beats vampire to death*
Wife: OMG
Me: What?
Wife: You're supposed to give them candy!
Me: Well, that's a sticky situation now, isn't it, Barbara?
Kid: Mom! You lied to me!
Mom: When?
Kid: You told me that my little brother was an Angel!
Mom: Sooo?
Kid: Then why didn’t he fly when I threw him off the balcony?
Mom: WHAT!!!??!!
"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."
Comebacks when someone say: Bully: "Your teeth is so yellow that when you start smiling you slow down the traffic." Say: "At least its brighter than your future."
Dad: Hey son, wanna hear a joke?
Son: Sure thing, dad!
Dad: Your mother and I are getting a divorce. She found out that I was sleeping with the neighbor's dog!
Son: I don't get the joke, dad.
Dad: It's my life, son! My life is the joke.
REALLY CRAPPY JOKE ALERT!!! Oh Quin, how was eating that tight butt? Must be nasty. I heard you met from rear ending him.
Man walks into a bar and sees a bear serving drinks... Sits down looking astonished. The bear says, "what's the matter you never saw a bear serving drinks?" The man says, "it's not that, I just never thought the moose would sell the place."