What's the worst thing that can happen to schools?
Quiet kids.
I hope death is a woman That way she'll never look at me twice
Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: their legs.
I think itβs dumb that people say a woman belongs in the kitchen.
How else is the rest of the house going to get cleaned?
A sign that broadcast television has less impact on the masses: The force-feeding of Kelly Clarkson on network television has yet to impact the large stacks of Kelly Clarkson CDs collecting dust in Goodwill, right next to those James Last LPs.
When you are going back to where you live from a place that is a time zone behind where you live:
"Looks like I am going back to the future!"
As a scientist, I confirm that you speak too fast. It has a speed of 1 bullshit per second.
If I send a clown to deliver flowers to my wife...
...is that a romantic jester?
When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalffeinated.
You know the drill, but do you know the hammer? Hah, nailed that one.
But I also think I screwed it up.
School teacher: "Hey kid, why don't you just go home to your family?"
Orphan: "My family never came back for me."
School teacher: "Your daddy must've really needed that milk."
Boobs are like batteries...
AA will get the job done...
C is bigger than AA...
D is bigger that C...
...and if they're square, you don't want to put your tongue on them!
Your forehead is so big that it's visible on the world map!
Secretly, Iβm a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, βIβve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!β
I just heard that the inventor of the autocorrect died the other day.
May he rest in pizza.
You're so fat that you only know 3 letters: KFC.
People say that they can read people's faces; then how come nobody sees me breaking inside?
Do y'all know the saying "Hang in there?" Well, fuck that, because I might as well be hanging myself.
You wanna know proof that cats don't always land on their feet? Well then, watch The Lion King.
