That jokes

I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."

It is reported that when Churchill met Stalin at Yalta, they discussed their hobbies.

Churchill said: "I collect the jokes people tell me about me."

"That's a coincidence," said Stalin, "I collect the people who tell jokes about me."

What do you call a Mexican that lost his car?

Carlos.

I brought a new pen that can write underwater. It can also write other words.

My boy, I think it is about time that I leave this world. Now draw your weapon and kill me now!

*draws a picture of his "epic" sword*

"What... WHAT... WTH ARE YOU DOING SIMPLETON? I DIDN'T MEAN THAT KIND OF DRAW!"

I took a pole today. 100% of the people in the tent were unhappy that it collapsed.

Did you know that people say Michael Jackson only became a pedophile when he was white?

Lucky for him, if he was black he would have been found guilty.

Y'know that foundation called "Autism Speaks"? No, it screeches.

Has anybody noticed that the New York City football team is the New York Jets? They sure know how to scare the Twin Towers.

My grandpa said, "You kids rely on too much electronics." I said, well we will see about that. *unplugging life support* me: *oops*

You look sexy with that rope around your neck.

Did you hear that Michael Jackson once got food poisoning?

He ate 12-year-old nuts.

My sis told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry...

So I threw a coconut at her.

What do you call a non-binary person that is lactose intolerant?

Non-buy dairy.

What do you call a priest that graduated from law school?

Father-in-law.

Yo mama's so gay that, after watching Aladdin, she tried to fly on a pride flag!

Oh, Lois, that was more scary than Michael Jackson without pants in front of a kid!

You know that at Walmart they have backpacks next to the guns? Well, I thought that it was nice to see the bags next to the school supplies.

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Can you imagine the last thing that went through the minds of 9/11 victims?

Well, probably the person in front of them.