That jokes

I've thought about suicide, but there's always been a part of me that knows I wouldn't be able to live with the decision.

Yo mama so ugly, that when Santa came down the chimney he said, "Ho, ho- HOLY SHIT!"

As I’m lying down on the table for a radiation treatment, a small angel lands on one shoulder, a tiny devil on the other shoulder. And then the mind game begins:

Angel: This won’t last long. You are perfectly lined up. The treatment only lasts a few mins. Remember, stay absolutely still.

Devil: Did she just twitch?

Angel: No. She didn’t twitch.

Devil: I think I saw her finger twitch.

Angel: Well, even if it did, it’s her thigh the techs are aiming at.

Devil: She wants to scratch her face.

Angel: Stop it! She can handle staying still a few minutes.

Devil: But her cheek has an itchy spot.

Angel: She can just let it itch. She doesn’t need to scratch every itch. She will just have to think about something else.

Devil: Wow...that cheek is really itchy...

Angel: Think about: Flowers. Acrylic painting. Did the trash get picked up this morning? Her grandson Oliver’s smile...

Devil: How about a song?

Angel: Good idea!

Devil: How about... “Never going to give you up. Never going to let you down....”🎶

Angel: OMG! You just Rick-rolled her! She’s in the middle of a treatment! You know that’s the only part she knows!

Devil: That’s okay. She’ll just repeat the words she knows over and over and over and....

Angel: Don’t be so mean!

Devil: “Never going to give you up...🎶”

Angel: Stop it!

Devil: Her toe! Her big toe! Did you see that? She just twitched it!

Angel: No, she didn’t.

Devil: I bet it screwed up the test and they have to start over....

Angel: She didn’t screw anything up!

Devil: She totally screwed the test up and they were more than halfway done. If they start over at the beginning, she will get too much radiation, and they will end up slicing her whole leg off!

Angel: That’s not how it works...

Devil: Or they just stop all together and she only gets a partial treatment and her tumor won’t get enough radiation.

Angel: They know what they are doing!

Devil: ...And it won’t shrink the tumor and the whole thing fails. And the doctor will have to amputate her leg.

Angel: No! No! No! That’s not how any of this...

Devil: ...And when they amputate, it will be at the hip and not below the knee because the tumor is in her thigh.

Angel: Stop this right now!!

Devil: “Never going to give you up....🎶”

Angel: Stop!

Devil: “...never going let you down....🎶”

Angel: I’m not going to let you...

Devil: “Never going to give you up...🎶”

Techs: Okay. That’s it, Tammi! We are finished! How are you doing?

Tammi: ...Oh, I’m fine.....

Yo mama so fat that when she went into a crowd wearing a blue shirt, everyone yelled, "Tsunami!"

Why can't orphans really play baseball?

Because when they do, all the other kids tell that joke that everyone has heard more than 50 times.

What do you call a man that has no arms, no legs, and sits in front of your door? Mat.

There was an orphan once, and someone knocks on his door and said, "Hello, son, come and hug me." But the orphan says, "Excuse me, who are you?" and the guy says, "You don't remember me? I'm your dad." And then the orphan says, "Fine then, if you're really my dad, come inside and let me ask you some questions." And the man says, "OK then, but I am really your dad." Then the orphan asked some questions to the man, and the man gets some of them right, so the orphan believes that the man is his dad. And then the orphan says, "You really are my dad?" and then he shows his dad his house, and the orphan has a roommate, and the dad and the orphan finally get to the bedroom, and then the dad knocks out the orphan, and then the dad starts to have something with the orphan/son, and the roommate hears weird noises in the orphan's/son's room, and he walks in and sees them having sex, and the roommate records it but then kicks the dad out of the house, and then the roommate shares the video to the orphan's school chat, and then the next day the dad gets arrested because he was actually a gay nonce, and everybody at the orphan's school calls him gay, but he really isn't, but since he was mad and disgusted, he pulled an AK47 out of his bag and kills everybody in the school and was never seen again.

Btw this is a joke so don't take it seriously.

What is black and white and red all over?

Answer: A newspaper.

That is what my 3-year-old told me.

I locked Terri Schiavo in the freezer.

Hey, I thought that's where you were supposed to put vegetables!

I'm Asian and there is a saying that dogs are man's best friends. They are my best friends because they keep me from starving.

Mary had a lamb. Her fleece was black as coal. When I tried to touch it that night, next day I went to court.

Have you ever seen that weird ad that pops up at the bottom: sexy Russian babes looking for men older than 30, and they're 18, so is it a reverse pedo? Oh well.

Your mum so fat that when she sat down she said, "Why are there so many people under me?"

What did the cop say to the muslim breaking the law?

"That's against th-Allah (read like da-law)."

My teacher gave me an A in Physics, then she tells me that it turns guys on.

Is it weird that a milk carton has a date, and I don’t?

What did Stephen Hawking say—I mean, type—when he saw a beautiful woman?

"That's the best shag I never had."

Your hairline so back that back in the day of your hairline, Burger King was called "Burger Prince."

Hey, did you know Paul Walker's gay?

Why do you say that?

Because he likes to wrap himself around long, old wood.

You think your friends get butthurt?

That's gay guys.