That jokes

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

Little Johnny was playing outside and steps on a honeybee. His dad sees this and says, "I saw what you did and for that, you get no honey for two weeks." Johnny replies, "I don't care, I don't like honey anyway." About fifteen minutes later, Little Johnny is playing with the butterflies and rips the wings off of one. His dad bursts out and says, "I saw that, and for it you get no butter for a month." Little Johnny replies, "I don't care, I don't like butter anyway." Both Little Johnny and his dad go in for dinner. Johnny's mother sees a cockroach on the ground and steps on it. Little Johnny looks and smiles and says, "Do you want to tell her or should I?"

Bf: "Roses are red, violets are blue, you're my bf and I luv you."

Gf: "I luv u too."

Bf: "But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, I heard you were cheating, I'll knock off your head."

Gf: "Ah, about that..."

Yo mama so fat, she was the iceberg that sank the Titanic.

What do you call an avocado that got shot? Glockamole.

Yo mama so fat that she needs two watches for two different time zones.

There was always that one specific person you thought ruined your life, but it turns out your life has always been ruined by you being in it.

Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you? But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.

Dad: "Son, does mommy like having lady-friends over?"

Son: "Nah, mostly men."

Dad: "Do you think you'd be comfortable telling that to a judge in court?"

Isn't it strange that the LGBTQ flag only has straight lines?

A man wakes up from his operation, and the doctor says, "I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?"

The man says, "Bad," so the doctor says, "During the surgery, your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man."

The man says, "What’s the good then?" And the doctor says, "I’m picking her up at 7."

There is this celebrity everybody thought was so down to earth. That was until he hung himself.

So, there was this girl on the street that had no arms or legs, that said "Hey sir, I've never been fucked before, will you do the honors and fuck me?" So, I threw her in the ocean and said "Well, your fucked now."

Who was not happy that the Titanic sank? The fish under it.

My friends were worried that I was making suicide jokes so much, so I said, "Don't worry, you won't have to hear them much longer."

Today a child asked if I was an angel. I asked why, and he said, "Mommy says that angels have marks on their wrists because they don't want to be in this world."

So, my friend and I were talking this time. I asked them what they would do if they ever met Rengoku. They said that they would probably like shake his hand or something, but I said I would lick his forehead. Wtf?

Blue: The ocean is a place where the creatures live.

Black: NIGHTMARES LIVE!

Blue: It has many pretty things and it will-

Black: KILL YA TO DEATH! Especially if you are on Titanic! So let that sink in. PUN INTENDED!

You're so ugly that everytime you look up in the sky, God says, "Sorry, can't help you."

Dad: Hey son, wanna hear a joke?

Son: Sure thing, dad!

Dad: Your mother and I are getting a divorce. She found out that I was sleeping with the neighbor's dog!

Son: I don't get the joke, dad.

Dad: It's my life, son! My life is the joke.