That jokes

I'm ashamed of some of the jokes I told that mocked disabled people.

So I threw in a couple racist ones to even it out.

A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Where'd you get that lovely thing?"

"Africa," the parrot replied.

(DOORS)

What door is the first door that opens for you?

The elevator to go to the game.

Dad and Mom: -takes one look at Child-

Dad and Mom: "We don't want him."

Orphan: And I took that, personally.

Yo mama is so ugly that your dad has to be drunk to bring her home.

They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, well not if it's poisoned.

Then the antidote becomes the most important.

I fucked your mum last night, that she was salty.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

You know that if it says, "Adopt a Highway" and no one does, we're driving on orphans.

If you eat pussy, and if you are what you eat, does that mean eating pussy makes you a pussy?

As a son, I was starting to do pranks. I told my mom’s boyfriend that she cheated on him and she doesn’t want to be with him anymore, and I told him that my mom said that he had a small penis. He left my mom, and she was mad at me. I thought it was funny.

Then I told my friend’s girlfriend that he cheated on her with another girl, and the girl told me that my friend had a small penis. He found out and wanted to confront me in my house. I wasn’t home. My friend told my mom what happened. Then my mom said the same thing happened to me. I came home one day, I saw my mom giving my friend a blow job. I asked what’s going on. My friend told me, "Your mom is my new girlfriend," and my mom said, "This is the penis of my dreams."

My new stepfather told me that I'm his new son, so I said okay.

My stepfather said that my and your mom have a few things in common. I said, "Yeah, like what?" My stepfather said, "Well, you came out of your mother's pussy; I eat your mother's pussy. You used to suck on your mother's tits; now I suck on your mother's tits. Your mother used to smack you in the ass when you act up; now I smack your mom in the ass now. Your mother calls me daddy; now I am your new daddy."

Q. What do you call a gun that rapes someone?

A. An assault rifle.

An Aboriginal Australian told me that I was on his farmland.

So I told him he was on my cock.

(I'm Australian btw, respect to my American bros🇺🇸)

Me: *stabs vampire*

Wife: omg

Me: *beats vampire to death*

Wife: OMG

Me: What?

Wife: You're supposed to give them candy!

Me: Well, that's a sticky situation now, isn't it, Barbara?

I have one policy, and that is to not make fun of black people.

Sorry, Jesus. You were white in the Bible pictures.

What is a cow that's good at math good for?

Meat pie.

So, I was at a stand up comedy show in Russia where the comedian was making fun of Putin. The jokes weren’t that good, but I loved the execution.

I was setting a voice recognition password for my new phone, and a dog nearby barked and ran away. Now I'm still looking for that dog to unlock my phone.

That joke and paper have one thing in common: they're both tearable.