That jokes

I will always remember my grandfather's last words before he died: "Is that a real chainsaw?"

You're so ugly that every time you look up in the sky, God says, "Sorry, can't help you."

If your shirt isn't tucked into your pants, does that mean your pants are tucked into your shirt?

Mufasa is proof that cats don't always land on their feet.

God promised John that if he came in 1st, he would get an eternal life, but instead he came in 5th and got a kettle!

Did you hear about the goldfish that went bankrupt?

Now he's a bronze fish.

They say that "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach," but I find it a lot easier to go through the ribcage.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Theodore.

Theodore who?

Theodore is locked, that is why I knocked.

"Um, honey, I'm glad you're done, but um, WHO KICKED OUR BABY'S ASS?! I'M PRETTY SURE FACES DON'T BEND THAT WAY!!"

"Dick, you're fired."

"I'd buy that for a dollar."

The DNA told the tailor that he couldn't find his genes.

In fright, I saw my faceless soul! Never imagined it could run that fast!

My mom said that I don't listen to homophones, but then I said, "No, I listen to headphones."

Yo mama so ugly that on Halloween she didn't get candy.

Yo mama so fat that when she sits down, global warming starts.

What comes after 611? 711.

What comes after that? 811.

What comes after that? George W. Bush.

What do you call a fish that can use a katana?

A salmon-rai.

A farmer told me that he wanted a couple of acres, so I punched him in the teeth.

What do you call a goldfish that got third place? A bronze fish.

What do you call a dinosaur that can’t eat?

Anarexic.