So, I hooked up with a girl at a party, but I forgot that it was a family reunion.
(SWEET HOME ALABAMA STARTS PLAYING)
A man walks into a bar with an alligator and a stick. He walks up to the bartender and offers to put on a show for the bar's patrons in exchange for a drink. The bartender agrees, so he pulls down his pants, sticks his dick in the alligator's mouth, and starts whacking it with the stick. After he's done and gets his drink, he asks if anyone else would like a go.
A lady gets up and says yes, she would like a go, asks that he doesn't hit her with the stick.
After an explosion at a French cheese factory... all that was left was De Brie.
What do you call a chair that smokes weed?
A high chair.
So I had a friend who was an orphan, and he said, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, just reminding you." I then said, "Hey, how's your parents?" I never saw him after that.
Bully: "Nobody loves you."
Me: "Aww, it must have hurt when your mom told you that."
Your forehead's so big that it has its own gravitational pull.
Yo mama's so fat that she doesn't need the internet because she is already worldwide.
How much of a homophobic heterosexual man are you? I'm so homophobic I won't suck a big dick that has ketchup on it.
What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?
A pair of gloves!
Nah, I’m not that mean, he’s still trying to open his presents.
Girlfriend: Am I pretty or ugly?
Boyfriend: You're both!
Girlfriend: What do you mean by that?
Boyfriend: You're pretty ugly!!!
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: How do you breathe through that little thing?
My teacher gave us an assignment, and one of the questions was "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
I answered, "Happy."
The teacher said I didn't understand the test. I said to her that she didn't understand life.
What do you call numbers that don’t stay in place?
Roamin’ Numerals.
Two friends are talking and one says, "I had a good day today, I ran into my ex." The other guy replies, "How is that good?" The friend says, "I was in my car."
Now that Stephen Hawking is dead, the jokes will start to roll in just like he used to.
A Blonde walks into a hospital claiming that everywhere she touches hurts. So she goes into the examination room and the doctor says, "Okay, I'd like you to point to wherever it hurts." So the Blonde pokes her cheek and says, "Here. Ow." She then pokes her arm and says, "Here. Ow." She then repeats this with different parts of her body until the doctor finally says that she should stop.
The doctor says, "I know what's happened to you." "What's happened to me?" The Blonde says, concerned. The doctor simply replies, "You have a broken finger."
What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam.
What did the other fish say to that fish when he hit the wall? Dumb Bass.
That one awkward moment you have to go ask your Chinese neighbor if they've seen your dog.
People say that life is short.
I say... life is the longest thing we ever do.
