That jokes

A kid annoyed me the other day. I told him to shut up and go back to his parents. That's the last time I'm going to an orphanage.

A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help!" she said. "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

Your mama is so fat that when she wears yellow, kids run after her thinking they missed the school bus.

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologized to the Olympic Committee after realizing that sailing and shooting were two separate events.

What's the difference between that bridge and my will to live? None, they're both too short.

What made me laugh?

The fact that my life is a joke."

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because it was a very large mammal; its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to Heaven, I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to Hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

My friend told me he had a sister. I asked if she was hot, and he said she was 8. That wasn't my question.

I'll never forget my grandma's last words, "What are you doing in here with that hammer?"

A computer science student is studying under a tree, and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, "Where'd you get that?"

The student on the bike replies, "While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, 'You can have anything you want.'"

The first student responds, "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

Mother: Who do you like more, me or your dad?

Liam: I like you both.

Mother: Ok, if I go to america and your dad goes to paris, where will you go?

Liam: I will go to paris.

Mother: That's means you like dad more.

Liam: No, its because i like paris.

Mother: Ok, fine, if I go to paris and your dad goes to america, where will you go?

Liam: I will go to America.

Mother: Why?

Liam: Because I have already gone to paris.

What do you call a drunk, depressed man that skydives?

Splattered.

What do you call the penises of gay men that are in wheelchairs?

Meals on wheels 😋😍🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭

Teacher: Describe a penguin.

Student: Black, white, beak.

Teacher: Good, now describe an orphan.

Student: Sad, maybe depressed, no family.

Teacher: Amazing, now describe a cow.

Student: Brown bun hair, red shirt, white skirt, pantyhose, and dollar tree shoes.

Teacher: No! How does that describe a cow?

Student: It describes you tho.

What do you call a chair that smokes weed?

A high chair.

If you slit your wrist while crying in pain, that's self-harm.

If you slit your wrist but have no expression, that's acting.

It isn't any of those if it's suicide.

So I had a friend who was an orphan, and he said, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, just reminding you." I then said, "Hey, how's your parents?" I never saw him after that.

What do you call 2 octopuses that look exactly the same? -- Identical.

When Bob the Builder looks at your hairline, he says, "We can't fix that."

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”