That jokes

What do you call a piece of tech that acts emo?

Cutting-edge Technology.

One thing that Johnny Depp and Michael Jackson love to do? Sniff on little white crack.

Woman one: "I got so mad at my GPS today that I told it to go to hell!"

Woman two: "Did that work?"

Woman one: "Well, it took me to my in-laws’ house."

Me: Want to play 911?

My little brother: What's that?

Me: It's where I kick your legs and you fall.

If you watch Jaws backwards, it's a heartwarming story about a shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.

A child has diarrhea and asked his mom for a Viagra. "Why in the world do you want that?" she asked him. He looks at her and says, "Well, that's what you gift dad when his shit won't get hard."

I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don't understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what's so sad?" and she said "What do you think was running through these kid's heads before they died?" I replied "probably a bullet". She gasped and said "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent's heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."

Why do black people only have nightmares?

Because the last one that had a dream got shot.

I tried dressing up as the plane that crashed into the Twin Towers for the office costume party.

It didn't land too well.

One night, a girl said to her family, "Goodnight Mommy, Goodnight Daddy, Goodnight Grandma, Goodbye Grandpa." The next morning, her grandpa died. That night, she said, "Goodnight Mommy, Goodnight Daddy, Goodbye Grandma." The next morning, the grandma died. The dad started to fear for his life because he was next. That night, the girl said, "Goodnight Mommy, Goodbye Daddy." The next morning, the dad woke up and he was perfectly fine, but when he went into the kitchen, he saw his wife crying. When he asked her what's wrong, she said, "The mailman died."

Person 1: You are the dumbest person in the class.

Person 2: Well, you're the second. Maybe, but at least I'm not the dumbest.

Person 2: I know how to fix that!

... Next day person commits suicide...

Got into a fight last night. We both had blades. He cut me deep. I thought I was gone, but he forgot to keep the water running.

Weird thing was that we were in the fight of our lives in the restroom and that guy kinda looked like me.

They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, well not if it's poisoned.

Then the antidote becomes the most important.

I wasn’t staring, I was just trying to figure out if that was your hairline or the Great Wall of China.

So, we all know that old kids' joke: why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9. Well, why was 10 scared? Because he was in the middle of 9 11.

I used to get pushed and called lazy in school.

Man, I loved that wheelchair.

What can a dwarf do standing up that a tall person can't do standing up?

Suck dick.

When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

Your mama is so fat that when she wears yellow, kids run after her thinking they missed the school bus.

It sucks that Stephen Hawking died so soon, the new Intel update just came out.