I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.
A kid annoyed me the other day. I told him to shut up and go back to his parents. That's the last time I'm going to an orphanage.
I seriously don't get why people in Alabama are angered that Mexican immigrants are taking their jobs. I mean, it's not like they are preventing your son from giving you a big, fat blow job.
It sucks that Stephen Hawking died so soon, the new Intel update just came out.
The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologized to the Olympic Committee after realizing that sailing and shooting were two separate events.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because it was a very large mammal; its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to Heaven, I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to Hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
I'll never forget my grandma's last words, "What are you doing in here with that hammer?"
My friend told me he had a sister. I asked if she was hot, and he said she was 8. That wasn't my question.
Teacher: Describe a penguin.
Student: Black, white, beak.
Teacher: Good, now describe an orphan.
Student: Sad, maybe depressed, no family.
Teacher: Amazing, now describe a cow.
Student: Brown bun hair, red shirt, white skirt, pantyhose, and dollar tree shoes.
Teacher: No! How does that describe a cow?
Student: It describes you tho.
A computer science student is studying under a tree, and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, "Where'd you get that?"
The student on the bike replies, "While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, 'You can have anything you want.'"
The first student responds, "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."
What made me laugh?
The fact that my life is a joke."
What do you call the penises of gay men that are in wheelchairs?
Meals on wheels 😋😍🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭
Woman one: "I got so mad at my GPS today that I told it to go to hell!"
Woman two: "Did that work?"
Woman one: "Well, it took me to my in-laws’ house."
I wasn’t staring, I was just trying to figure out if that was your hairline or the Great Wall of China.
One thing that Johnny Depp and Michael Jackson love to do? Sniff on little white crack.
What do you call a drunk, depressed man that skydives?
Splattered.
At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”
Imagine if hitting the iceberg wasn't an accident and it was all just the sailors' fault like this:
Sailor 1: Hey Ron. Sailor 2: Yeah? Sailor 1: You see that iceberg over there? Sailor 2: Yeah. Sailor 1: You know what would be pretty funny?
What do you call 2 octopuses that look exactly the same? -- Identical.
So, I hooked up with a girl at a party, but I forgot that it was a family reunion.
(SWEET HOME ALABAMA STARTS PLAYING)
