That jokes

Why are Americans so shocked when it comes to Mexican drug cartels?

Because none of the drug lords (or their associates, for that matter) have shot up a school.

Michael Jackson and Kelly Clarkson both did shady stuff to children. Michael Jackson said that there is nothing wrong with sharing a bed with unrelated small children. Kelly Clarkson said that there is nothing wrong with physically beating a small child.

The thing is, though, only one of them made "Billie Jean" or "Beat It", and the other is just a typical karaoke country singer. So no surprise people gave Wacko Jacko a pass.

I seriously don't get why people in Alabama are angered that Mexican immigrants are taking their jobs. I mean, it's not like they are preventing your son from giving you a big, fat blow job.

- What do you call a dog that can do magic?

- A labracadabrador.

Today, I operated on a little girl. She needed O-negative blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin sister has O-negative blood. I explained to her that it was a matter of life and death. She sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to her parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took her blood and she asked, “So when will I die?” She thought she was going to give her life for her sister. Thankfully they both died.

Have you been to that paraplegic strip club? It's crawling with pussy!

My wife and I have decided that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Why was Wacko Jacko willing to write a song for the film Free Willy?

He thought that the film's title was a nice phrase to yell out in primary school playgrounds.

A bus full of ugly people is driving down the street. The bus crashes and everyone goes to heaven. They see Saint Peter, and he feels bad for them and grants them one wish before they go into heaven. The first one says, "I wish to be attractive." The second one says the same.

Meanwhile, the 3rd person in line is giggling and snickering and laughing while Saint Peter is granting wishes. Curiously, he asks why he is laughing. He says, "I was going to wish that they turned ugly again."

You are so scary that even your hairline ran away.

Can you imagine the last thing that went through the minds of 9/11 victims?

Well, probably the person in front of them.

What do you call a gay kid that killed himself?

A byebyesexual.

Did you know that a majority of the U.S. is afraid of the dark?

Especially if they are right behind you at the ATM.

Your hairline is so bad that KSI's hairline actually looks normal.

It's illegal to go onto someone's property, demand money that they might not have while wearing all black, and threaten horrible things if they don't pay.

But when the IRS does it, it's perfectly fine. HMMMMM . . .

I think it’s dumb that people say a woman belongs in the kitchen.

How else is the rest of the house going to get cleaned?

What's an old Japanese man's last words?

"Hey, that cloud looks like a mushroom, or is it just me?"

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.

A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.

"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.

"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.

"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."

Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:

"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"

Me to friend: I'm homeschooled.

Friend: If I was homeschooled, I'd kms.

Me: Oh, I already tried that.

Did you hear that Joe contracted Sugondese Ligma on his trip to Suggon, and now he won’t be able to make it to Saw Con?