That jokes
The teacher was terrified to hear Little Johnny swear.
“I never want you to use language like that again. Where on earth did you pick it up?”
“From my father,” said Johnny.
“Well, he should be ashamed of himself. And it’s no reason for you to talk like that. You don’t even know what it means.”
“I do,” said Johnny. “It means the car won’t start.”
A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees. “I don’t want to know!” Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. “Oh, Pop,” Johnny sobbed, “For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you’re telling me now that grownups don’t really have sex, I’ve got nothing left to live for!”
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, “Mommy, can little girls have babies?”
“No,” said his mom, “Of course not.”
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, “It’s okay! We can play that game!”
Little Johnny was overheard by his mother reciting his homework, “Two plus two, the son of a b*tch is four; four plus four, the son of a b*tch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a b*tch...;” “Johnny!” shouted his mother. “Stop swearing!” “But mom!” Little Johnny protested, “That’s what the teacher taught us! And she said we should recite it till we learned it!”
The next day his mother went to the teacher to complain. “No, no,” said the teacher, terrified. “That’s not what I taught them. They’re supposed to say: ‘Two plus two, the sum of which is four.’”
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, “Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”
Little Johnny looked up and replied, “Well, Ms Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned!”
I wanted to make a joke about clocks, but I got no time for that.
Me to bully: You are so fat that when the satellite took the picture, you were considered as an island.
Bully: (Speechless)
What is a thing orphans have that we can never have?
Imaginary parents.
What do you call a doctor that's a skeleton?
Doctor Bones.
What do you call a toy that has a story?
Toy Story.
What do you call a nacho that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.
What do you call someone that no one loves?
An orphan.
What do you call a kid in a wheelchair that you push in a fire? Hot Wheels.
I'm 24 and I was with a Chinese lady, and she kept screaming, "I'm too young!" Like, I don't know what that name is.
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.
The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
Are you a professor? I have a theory about sex that I need to test on someone.
Love that dress; it would look much better on my floor, though.
How to harass? Say it out loud but slowly. Split that word into, and it sounds like "her ass."
Yo mama so fat that when she sits around the earth, she sits around the earth.
I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”