What do you call an alligator with a vest?
An investigator.
Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.
Three citizens were going through an exam to become agents of the FBI. Their instructor handed the first guy a gun in a room with his wife and said he had to shoot her. He walked out in shame and said he couldn't do it. The second guy had the same scenario. He put the gun up, but couldn't pull the trigger, so he walked out in shame. The third guy was put in the same scenario. He walked out and told the instructor, "The gun wasn't loaded, I had to strangle the bitch."
I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.
But no one would do it.
Why did the orphan commit mass murder?
To be on top of the wanted list.
I comforted my friend about his wife's death, until I found out who did it.
How did they know that Princess Diana had dandruff?
They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment...
Johnny Depp, Michael Jackson, and Marilyn Manson all walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Why don't you take a seat, right over there?" Turns out the bartender was Chris Hansen himself.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer.
I saw it through my telescope last night.
You know, it's only considered murder if there's a body. Otherwise, it's just a missing person.
I wasn't staring at you; I was trying to figure out if that's your forehead or the moon.
Someone stole my toilet, and the police have nothing to go on.
Why can't you solve a murder in Alabama?
All the DNA is identical and there are no dental records.
The cops are still searching for my wife's killer. Luckily, I already fled the country.
There was a murder. The detective suspected the artist first... because he was sketchy.
I love murder shows... wish me luck cause I'm kinda hoping to be on one one day.
A man shoots up a school and then fakes his own death. He then later returns to shoot up the same school. He repeats the process a few times until the police catch him. When they ask why he did it, he replied, "I wondered when you would check if I was still breathing."
I keep looking for my girlfriend's killer, but no one wants to do it.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets." "Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo." "Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three." "Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant." "Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." "What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"
Little Johnny walked into his house. He heard a banging sound from up above and decided to investigate. He opened the door to his parents' room and saw his naked mom and the woman next door. He thought they were wrestling and decided to join in.
