Surprise jokes
So there's a little girl playing hopscotch at the front of her house while her mother hangs up the washing and her father mows the lawn. She says, "Step on a crack and you break your mother's back." The father laughs, until his daughter steps on a crack resulting in her mother's back breaking.
The little girl's father looks in terror, she then says, "Step on a line and you break your father's spine." The father closes his eyes waiting for his spine to break, but nothing happens. When he opens his eyes again he sees that he is ok, and nothing has happened to him. Suddenly he hears someone yell out "OW MY SPINE!" The father runs around the corner to see the mailman laying on the floor.
A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another guy. "What's going on here!?" he exclaims.
The wife replies, "See, I told you he was stupid."
A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Where'd you get that lovely thing?"
"Africa," the parrot replied.
A man gets an email from his doctor.
"Sorry for the delay on getting your prescription, it'll be at your house tomorrow."
The man thinks to himself, "Oh shit! Then what have I been taking?"
Once my dad left to get milk, then I realized we own a cow.
Guess what? I have a baby in ten trashcans.
What's the difference between your birth and 9/11?
One was planned.
How do you throw a surprise party at the hospital?
Throw a strobe light in the epileptic ward.
Bestfriend @3am: I love you.
Me: Love you too.
*wait whatttttttttttttttttttt*
I don't know if this is funny.
The Twin Towers remind me of an emote... bing, bang, boom.
A: Why are you so sad?
B: I was watching porn, and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.
A: Ok, I see, but is that really such a big deal?
B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie!
Person A: What do you call the dangly bit of an octopus?
Person B: Tentacles?
Person A: Ok *tickles person B ten times*
What does a mother fear most?
Hearing "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!" for 5 different men.
I know what you did with your mom last night, the orphan. Nah, jit trippin', you thought I had one?
When you realize you forgot to mop your room, you hear footsteps.
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Yo mum." "Yo mum who?" "Yo mum is watching you wank right now."
If I send a clown to deliver flowers to my wife...
...is that a romantic jester?
Your mama so fat, when Santa saw her he said, "Ho, ho, holy s***!"
Oompa Loompa Doobity doo, I got a glock and it’s pointing at you.
When you're sitting in class and the quiet kid yells, "Lovely day, isn't it?" ... and you see a Glock shape in his pocket.