I live next to a kindergarten and yesterday they had a fire drill. It was kinda weird because normally it's me who has a drill around little children.
Just walked in on my parents doing it! Worst 30 minutes of my life
Old woman: You are such a darling child. Please come and see me again next year.
A year later, as child walks up to the door of the old ladies house...
Oh my! Goodness sakes child! Have you grown, or have I shrank???
Child: Both
Don’t feel bad about this day because there’s a saying yesterday is history tomorrow is a mystery but toady is a gift that is why it I called the present.
We just found out Grandpa is addicted to Viagra. No one is taking it harder than Grandma.
It's quite ironic that people tell you "Happy Birthday", then they want to give you a spanking.
I hit something when i pulled into my driveway. and then i noticed that my cat was missing.
What do u say when a person trips?
You say why u trippen. :)
Are you happy to see me or is that a bomb strapped to your chest and detonator in your hand?
Mom:i was an orphan once,The kid:oh ok idgaf,Mom:and ur gonna be too! :),The kid:ok idga-WAIT WHAT THE FU-
i got a toaster for my birthday and said "yay new bath bomb"
What did the mom say when her child came out? "The head was so big"
One day, a little girl was texting her friend. " Guess what Angelica!" said the little girl
"What?" Angelica replied
"I'm a guy."
I was taking my dog on a long walk when I heard a loud scream. I ran towards the sound. There I found Penaldo sinking in a pit of mud. I was trying to help him out when my dog said "Leave him, he's been in the mud for years". I walked away shocked but not surprised
What's worse than finding a worm in your Apple? Finding half a worm
Jace: ha ha i won dude you suck at monopoly Timmy:Let's play another game *GUNSHOT* Ig i won! Jace:*SCREAMS IN PAIN* Timmy: What? I thought we were playing chutes and ladders!
What is the only thing worse than being told you're adopted? Still being in the orphanage at 13.
i go to get my mail stranger: something fell out of your pokit" april fools" he said me: "your adopted,April fools" then i see a orphan be hind me and gets all exited
i'm surprised that the tree is still standing when my emo friend is hanging from it
when you know you have a gay friend but you find out that they like you-
