Surprise jokes
A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Where'd you get that lovely thing?"
"Africa," the parrot replied.
A man gets an email from his doctor.
"Sorry for the delay on getting your prescription, it'll be at your house tomorrow."
The man thinks to himself, "Oh shit! Then what have I been taking?"
Once my dad left to get milk, then I realized we own a cow.
A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another guy. "What's going on here!?" he exclaims.
The wife replies, "See, I told you he was stupid."
What's the difference between your birth and 9/11?
One was planned.
Guess what? I have a baby in ten trashcans.
How do you throw a surprise party at the hospital?
Throw a strobe light in the epileptic ward.
What does a mother fear most?
Hearing "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!" for 5 different men.
A: Why are you so sad?
B: I was watching porn, and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.
A: Ok, I see, but is that really such a big deal?
B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie!
Bestfriend @3am: I love you.
Me: Love you too.
*wait whatttttttttttttttttttt*
I don't know if this is funny.
The Twin Towers remind me of an emote... bing, bang, boom.
I know what you did with your mom last night, the orphan. Nah, jit trippin', you thought I had one?
Person A: What do you call the dangly bit of an octopus?
Person B: Tentacles?
Person A: Ok *tickles person B ten times*
When you realize you forgot to mop your room, you hear footsteps.
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Yo mum." "Yo mum who?" "Yo mum is watching you wank right now."
If I send a clown to deliver flowers to my wife...
...is that a romantic jester?
Your mama so fat, when Santa saw her he said, "Ho, ho, holy s***!"
When you're sitting in class and the quiet kid yells, "Lovely day, isn't it?" ... and you see a Glock shape in his pocket.
I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. Next week he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?
So you're the one!