Life is like a box of chocolates it doesn’t last long for people
Was drinking in a bar with this girl when I suddenly blacked out. The next morning I received a letter saying they are processing my child benefits application, dafaq I never had kids
How to surprise a blind man; put a plunger in the toilet :)
there was a animal on my porch then i shot in the head it was strange that it had coffee in its hand, i flipped it over and it was an animal but it looked a lot like my kid.
Today was a bitter-sweet day... Bad news is my friend was assaulted, good news is I successfully sneak attacked someone!
What did the pretty young pre-pubescent 14 year old boy say when he got a homosexual peadophile for Christmas?
He said he was awfully touched!!!!
Me and Jesus are really close he even turns the light on for me when i go pee in the middle of the, well that is what i thought until the fridge was wet.
Knock knock who’s there bikini bikini who oh that was just a bikini
what did the girl with no hands get for her birthday....we don't know she hasn't opened it yet
my sister and I were hanging out when she opened her drawer and pulled out 3 condoms and said "pick one"
I've got a jar of dirt! I've got a jar of dirt, and guess what"s inside it!
Boy:*Scares girl* Girl:GOSH YOU SCARED ME, JESUS Jesus:*Arrives out of nowhere and said wut is it hooman I got work to do* Girl:What work? Jesus:Coming out of nowhere when people say "jesus"
You know the song I saw mommy and Santa kissing apparently santas the mailman
*guy feels something on his back* “oh god, please let that be a rifle” “Nope. I’m just real happy to see you”
At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”
I saw an orphan and i said, yo.
He said what do you want.
I said, "to be your new father"
"Realy??!" the orphan said,
Me, lol no.
Orphan *Jumps into street*
Me:hey I’m your mom orphan:yay you came back me:sike
When I have sex, my girlfriend screams, especially when I walk in on her
The brain named itself, and when the brain realised that it named itseld, it was surprised.
But maybe, it was a spelling mistake and the brain wanted the name Brian. We all have a little Brian in us!
I will never forget my grandpa's last words: What the fuck is in this drink
