Friend: Stop with the self harm jokes, they're not funny.
Me: It's not that deep. I'll cut it out.
My heart says to stop because it hurts.
Bro, chill. It's really not that deep.
Someone said to stop hurting myself, but I'm still trying to cut my arms off.
Can we stop talking about 9/11? My dad died, man, but he was a good pilot.
Jesus took bread and said, "This is my flesh!" Then he took wine and said, "This is my blood!" Then he took mayonnaise, and Peter said, "Holy shit, now we gotta stop him!"
What is the difference between Bin Laden and Santa? One stops at the top of the skyscraper.
You'll end up DEAD if you don't stop COFFIN!!!
Why did Hitler stop playing Golf?
He kept getting stuck in the Bunker.
How do you say "Brazier" in German?
Stop 'em from floppin' (German accent)
People say that biting off your finger would be as easy as biting a carrot if your brain didn't try to stop you. How the f do people know that and how many people's fingers did they bite off before coming to that conclusion?
Stop it! What if a blind person sa- oh wait, never mind, carry on.
How do you stop a baby from drowning? pt. 2
-Harpoon it.
So, a woman gives birth to a child, and the doctor grabs it by the leg and holds it upside down. Then, he starts swinging it around the room, slamming it into the furniture. The mother tries to get up and starts screaming and crying, “Let my baby go, you sick bastard!” The doctor looks at the mother and stops swinging the baby. He is holding it by the left leg and starts chuckling, “I’m just kidding, it was already dead.”
"I wasn't that drunk yesterday."
"Oh boy, you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."
Stephen was a great person, and he will be greatly missed, but I enjoy these jokes too much to not stop.
I stopped a terrorist from killing 100 people on a plane using self-control.
A man is driving down the road and runs over a rabbit. He slams on his brakes, gets out, and walks up to the flattened bunny. The bunny is obviously expired.
A passing car slams on its brakes and screeches to a halt. The driver of that car runs up to the bunny, pulls out an aerosol can, and sprays the bunny with the aerosol spray. The bunny jumps up, runs a few feet, then stops, turns around, and waves its paw at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. He continues to do this until he’s out of sight.
The first driver looks at the man with the aerosol can and says, “Wow, that is amazing! What is in that can?” The man looks at the can and reads the label, “Hair restorer, with a permanent wave.”
What's better than seeing a baby swing around on a clothesline at 60km/h? Stopping it with a cricket bat.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let’s make this interesting."
So we stopped playing chess.
Stop making 9/11 jokes. They don't land so well.
