Stop jokes

Someone said to stop hurting myself, but I'm still trying to cut my arms off.

My heart says to stop because it hurts.

Bro, chill. It's really not that deep.

Can we stop talking about 9/11? My dad died, man, but he was a good pilot.

Friend: Stop with the self harm jokes, they're not funny.

Me: It's not that deep. I'll cut it out.

Jesus took bread and said, "This is my flesh!" Then he took wine and said, "This is my blood!" Then he took mayonnaise, and Peter said, "Holy shit, now we gotta stop him!"

What is the difference between Bin Laden and Santa? One stops at the top of the skyscraper.

You'll end up DEAD if you don't stop COFFIN!!!

Why did Hitler stop playing Golf?

He kept getting stuck in the Bunker.

Stop making 9/11 jokes. They don't land so well.

Q: How are Clocks like Pedophiles? A: They both stop at 12.

People say that biting off your finger would be as easy as biting a carrot if your brain didn't try to stop you. How the f do people know that and how many people's fingers did they bite off before coming to that conclusion?

How do you say "Brazier" in German?

Stop 'em from floppin' (German accent)

Stop it! What if a blind person sa- oh wait, never mind, carry on.

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women. I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl, and I said,

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific, so I said,

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

My wife told me to stop being an idiot.

I told her, "Which one do you want?"

How do you stop a woman from choking?

Back up an inch.

How do you stop a baby from drowning? pt. 2

-Harpoon it.

I stopped a terrorist from killing 100 people on a plane using self-control.

So, a woman gives birth to a child, and the doctor grabs it by the leg and holds it upside down. Then, he starts swinging it around the room, slamming it into the furniture. The mother tries to get up and starts screaming and crying, “Let my baby go, you sick bastard!” The doctor looks at the mother and stops swinging the baby. He is holding it by the left leg and starts chuckling, “I’m just kidding, it was already dead.”

"I wasn't that drunk yesterday."

"Oh boy, you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."