Stop jokes

So, an Irish man is walking his poodle, and his buddy comes running up to him saying there’s a new pub in town and they’re giving out free pints.

So the man picks up his dog and runs like hell to the bar. But the bar owner stops him and says, "Sorry, you can’t go in." The Irish man says, "Why can’t I go in?" "Well, you have a dog, sir, and that sign over there says no dogs allowed. You’re going to have to leave him outside." Well, the Irish man thinks quick and says, "I’m blind; it’s a seeing eye dog." The owner says, "That’s ridiculous. A seeing eye dog would be a German shepherd or golden Labrador or something like that." The Irish man says, "Well, what kind of dog did they give me??"😂

Little Johnny is a trucker. He stops at a bar. Johnny sees a sign that says, "Hamburgers for two dollars, cheeseburger for three dollars, handjob for ten dollars." He walks up to the bartender and whispers to her, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs for ten dollars?" She replies, "Yes, that's me." Johnny says, "Well, can you wash your hands because I want a cheeseburger?"

Friend: Stop with the self harm jokes, they're not funny.

Me: It's not that deep. I'll cut it out.

Can we stop talking about 9/11? My dad died, man, but he was a good pilot.

Someone said to stop hurting myself, but I'm still trying to cut my arms off.

Jesus took bread and said, "This is my flesh!" Then he took wine and said, "This is my blood!" Then he took mayonnaise, and Peter said, "Holy shit, now we gotta stop him!"

So, a woman gives birth to a child, and the doctor grabs it by the leg and holds it upside down. Then, he starts swinging it around the room, slamming it into the furniture. The mother tries to get up and starts screaming and crying, “Let my baby go, you sick bastard!” The doctor looks at the mother and stops swinging the baby. He is holding it by the left leg and starts chuckling, “I’m just kidding, it was already dead.”

What is the difference between Bin Laden and Santa? One stops at the top of the skyscraper.

You'll end up DEAD if you don't stop COFFIN!!!

What do you call someone with a pindie spot?

Stop screen recording.

Stop making 9/11 jokes. They don't land so well.

I told the emo girl to stop playing fruit ninja on her wrists.

Stop it! What if a blind person sa- oh wait, never mind, carry on.

People say that biting off your finger would be as easy as biting a carrot if your brain didn't try to stop you. How the f do people know that and how many people's fingers did they bite off before coming to that conclusion?

My wife told me to stop being an idiot.

I told her, "Which one do you want?"

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women. I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl, and I said,

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific, so I said,

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

How do you stop a woman from choking?

Back up an inch.

My only friend who actually cares: "Stop making suicide jokes, I’m really concerned!"

Me: Okay, I’ll cut it out.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

How do you stop a baby from drowning? pt. 2

-Harpoon it.