A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

Q: What do the St. Louis Rams and Billy Graham have in common? A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell, “Jesus Christ.”

why didn’t the bike stand on its own?

it was 2 tired

Imagine Steven hawkings was the real slim shady but could not stand up

Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are standing at the shore and are trying to impress each other with the accomplishments of their countries. Putin brags „We have nuclear submarines which can stay under water for six weeks without having to resurface!“. Trump goes on „Six weeks? That’s nothing. I have the best submarines, they‘re underwater für at least three months!“. Merkel is about to respond, when a giant steel colossus emerges from the sea. A hatch opens, a black uniform appears - „Heil Hitler! We need Diesel.“

Why did Steven hawking have no friends?

He couldn’t stand anyone…

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says “Make me one with everything.”

Two windmills were standing in a wind farm, one asked whats your favorite type of music, the other one replied… IM A BIG METAL FAN

What does the Bible stand for? Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth

What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?

The second nightstand.

Stephen Hawking tried comedy. His first line ruined it. ‘You know what I can’t stand? Let me rephrase that, you know what? I can’t stand.’

What does the cannibal get after a one night stand? Breakfast in bed!

I went to a stand up show with the person who made my like a joke

Confucius say, man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

A man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral. This friend asks his wife "Can I say a word?" “Of course” she says. The man stands up and says "Plethora" The man’s wife says “Thanks, it means a lot”

I always hated being born a catholic as a kid, the way you have to keep kneeling down, bending over and standing up all within a few minutes of each other while at church, I was always thinking “for God’s sake just pick a position and fuck me”

Why do French like to eat snails so much?

They can’t stand fast food.

Why was Stephen hawking always bullied? Because he couldn’t stand up for himself

Today there was a big test for Little Timmy. During the test, Timmy had to take a really huge shit. So he rushed to the bathroom. He took a while in there. When he was done, he had realized there was no more toilet paper left. Since there was nothing around him to use, the only thing he could do was wipe with his hand. His time in the bathroom was up, and he needed to finish that test! He didn’t have time to wash his hands. So he hurried back. The problem was, the hand he wiped with was his right hand. He used his left hand to complete the test, which made him fail. When he got home, his mother was standing there crossing her arms. “Timmy, the teacher had called and said you wrote sloppy on your test. Why is that?” Timmy replied, “Oh, it’s because I caught a leprechaun with my right hand, but if I opened it my classmates would scare him away, so I had to use my left.” Timmy’s mother glared at him with disbelief. “Timmy, I don’t believe you. Now open your hand!” Timmy did so and opened his hand. “See, mother? I said you’d scare the shit out of him!”

How do you make a hotdog stand? You take away it’s chair

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