Stand jokes

What do the initials ACLU stand for?

🤔

American Communist Lawyers Union.

If I were a history teacher, I’d make the two twins stand up and throw a paper airplane at them.

Why are dolphins so smart?

Because within three hours they can train a human to stand at the edge of the pool and feed them fish!

My friend was on a wheelchair... he committed suicide yesterday. I remember when I met him last time, he told us a good joke and I appreciated him and told him to become a stand-up comedian.

What does B.I.B.L.E. stand for?

Bull Shit In Book Lacking Evidence.

Does it cycle now?

Whenever I have a one night stand, I always use protection.

A fake name and a fake phone number.

What does the cannibal get after a one night stand?

Breakfast in bed!

So there was this kid being bullied by four other kids. I decided to step in.

He didn’t stand a chance against the five of us.

I was in a public bathroom in a handicap stall, and when I got out, a handicapped man told me that I was an a**hole. I told him, "Bet you won't stand up and say that to my face," and then he broke down.

My friend and I were joking about a kid in a wheelchair, and another kid came up and said to the wheelchair kid, "You should stand up for yourself."

I can’t stand disabled jokes...

Neither can they 😂

This one kid never stands up for the pledge of allegiance, and I'm tired of it.

Today, I push him out of his wheelchair.

What college can Stephen Hawking not attend?

"Stand" Ford University. :3

Two horses are standing in a field. "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse," says the first.

"Moo!" says the second.

So, I was at a stand up comedy show in Russia where the comedian was making fun of Putin. The jokes weren’t that good, but I loved the execution.

What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank?

"This is a stand-up."

What do the initials BIBLE stand for?

Bull In Book Lacking Evidence

I can tell a joke :)

Twinkle, twinkle, there's a car Coming like a shooting star. I will stand in the way. I will not be seen again. Are you happy I am dead? Now you made it to the end.

Is it still stand-up comedy if the comedian doesn't have legs?

What is the worst comedy for disabled people?

Stand-up comedy!