Stand jokes

Why can't disabled people make jokes?

Well, it's called Stand-Up comedy, isn't it?

This girl told me people call her ugly because she is disabled. I told her to stand up for herself.

"Monica Lewinsky has gone down on Bill Clinton several times. What's stopping her from having a one-night stand with Donald Trump?"

"Trump is nothing more than a little pussy, don't ya know?"

A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help!" she said. "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

The F in orphan stands for family... oh wait.

All these jokes are so offensive, Mr. Hawking just won’t stand for it.

Asked my dad what LGBT stands for.

He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?" Obviously, I had to reply with "Garnish."

I should be ashamed of myself for making all these jokes at the expense of the disabled! After all, they can't even stand up for themselves.

What is Stephen Hawking's least favorite movie?

Standing Tall.

My son asked me what dark humor was, so I told him, "see that kid in the wheelchair, ask him to stand." He said, "But Dad I'm blind." Exactly.

I used to be a banker but I lost interest.

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She always ran away from the ball.

Why can’t bikes stand? Because they are two tired (Too tired).

Why do people in a wheelchair make bad jokes? Because they are bad at stand-up.

A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:

Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"

Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"

Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"

Q: Why should you stand in the corner if you get cold?

A: It’s always 90 degrees.

Why does the blonde stand in a corner when she's cold?

Because it's 90 degrees.

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? Because he can't do stand-up.

What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? -- He nuts and bolts.

Brother: "I can hear you using the vibrator every night, I’m right here if you need help."

Sister: "That’s my f***ing electric toothbrush!"

Brother: "Oh, well the offer still stands."

What do the initials ACLU stand for?

🤔

American Communist Lawyers Union.