The worst part about church is that you’re constantly switching between sitting, standing and kneeling; I mean, why can’t the priest just pick a position and f**k me already!

Why does the blonde stand in a corner when she’s cold? – Because it’s 90 degrees.

I was walking down the street when i thought i smelled my ex’s perfume, turns out i was standing in front of a fish market.

Brother: I can hear you using the vibrator every night, I’m right here if you need help Sister: that’s my fu__ing electric toothbrush Brother: oh, well the offer still stands.

So there was this kid being bullied by four other kids. I decided to step in.

He didn’t stand a chance against the five of us.

The W in African stands for water

My Llama’s cousin sucks at going on vacation.

He just stands there; “I’ll pack uhhhh…”

The F in orphan stands for family… oh wait

Whenever I have a one night stand I always use protection

A fake name and fake phone number.

What’s steven hawking’s favourite type of comedy?? Stand up

I was in a public bathroom in a handicap stall and when I got out a handicap man told me that I was an a**hole and I told him “bet you won’t stand up and say that to my face” and hen he broke down.

What does DNA stand for? National dyslexic assosiation

Two cows standing in a paddock, one says moo, the other turns to him and says ‘I was just going to say that’

The teacher asks her class “What is sex?” and Little Jonny stands up and says “sex is the temptation caused by the sensation when a boy sticks his location into a girl’s destination. Did you get my explanation or do you need a demonstration?” and the teacher fainted.

What collage can Stephen Hawking not attend to? “Stand” Ford university. :3

Two horses are standing in a field. “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse,” says the first.

“Moo!” says the second.

Why are feminists jealous of men? because men don’t have to stand up to piss

How many quebecers does it take to change a lightbulb? 4! One to hold the bulb, two to turn the chair he’s standing on, and one to sing “Allouette, gentille allouette!”

What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? – He nuts and bolts.

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? – Because he can’t do stand up.

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