Stand jokes

Bring out your weapons, people.

It's bullying time.

Did you know you don't actually wash your hands?

They wash each other while you stand there looking at them like a creep.

Your mom's so fat, when she stands on the scale, it says, "To be continued..."

Hey, you know what I told the kid in a wheelchair?

I told him to be a stand-up comedian!

What does Stephen Hawking have in common with Bill Gates? One stands, the other doesn't.

Once I was asked to perform snail jokes at a stand-up comedy night. I certainly snailed it because the crowd thought it was shellerious.

New teacher: Everyone stand up if you think you are stupid.

Student: Stands up.

Teacher: Why did you stand up?

Student: I hate seeing you stand up there by yourself.

What do you call an accomplished opera singer with recurring gonorrhea?

Standing ovation!

I sit because I can't stand you.

What do you call a hippopotamus that stands out from the crowd?

A hipster!

When I was recently standing in front of a huge puddle with my buddy, I remembered how he tricked me a week ago. So I tricked him...

Roses are red, Violets are blue, When life gets tough, I'll stand by you.

A chemical store burned down, and the firefighter just stood there, but at the end, the store fire just went out by itself. But the store owner still got angry.

Store owner: Why didn't you take out the fire?

Firefighter: Yeah, but it went out by itself.

Store owner: But still, why?

Firefighter: Your chemical store sells H20.

Store owner: Oh, I get it now!

One day little Jonny is in class. It is the second day back to school. The teacher is annoyed with the kids, so she goes to the front of the class and says, "If you think you are stupid, stand up." Little Jonny stood up.

The teacher asked him, "Why do you think you're stupid?" Little Jonny said, "I don't think I am stupid."

Then the teacher asked little Jonny why he stood up. Then little Jonny replied, "I just felt bad seeing you standing here alone."

Some say Stephen Hawking couldn't stand up for himself 😂

NASA stands for naughty aliens spewing apricots.

My friend that was in a wheelchair was getting bullied, so I said, "Stand up for yourself."

What does FNAF stand for? Five Nasty Ass Fools.

Two Native Americans

Unwittingly walk into a gay bar and sit down to order a pitcher of beer. As they're sitting there sucking back on their ale, a gay guy walks up and says, "How would you boys like a blow job?"

The one Indian stands up and decks the guy, knocking him unconscious. He then sits back down and finishes his beer.

His buddy looks over and says, "Hey Joe, what did you do that for?"

Joe replies, "Not sure but it was something about getting a job!"

What do you call a blonde girl standing on her hands?

A brunette with bad breath.