Stand jokes
What type of comedy can't Steven Hawking do?
Stand-up comedy.
New teacher: Everyone stand up if you think you are stupid.
Student: Stands up.
Teacher: Why did you stand up?
Student: I hate seeing you stand up there by yourself.
Once I was asked to perform snail jokes at a stand-up comedy night. I certainly snailed it because the crowd thought it was shellerious.
What does Stephen Hawking have in common with Bill Gates? One stands, the other doesn't.
When you realize your friend standing next to you is adopted and narrates everything he does.
I’m going to reenact the ending of Saw (2004), except I won’t stand up and shut the door.
What does WTC stand for?
"What Trade Centre?"
My cousin: “How’s the lemonade stand supposed to run when you’re at softball practice?!”
Me: “Lemonade stands can’t run, dufus.”
I'd like to have kids one day.
I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
Your mom's so fat, when she stands on the scale, it says, "To be continued..."
Hey, you know what I told the kid in a wheelchair?
I told him to be a stand-up comedian!
Did you know you don't actually wash your hands?
They wash each other while you stand there looking at them like a creep.
Bring out your weapons, people.
It's bullying time.
I sit because I can't stand you.
I bullied a kid in a wheelchair. I told him to stand up for himself.
What do you call an accomplished opera singer with recurring gonorrhea?
Standing ovation!
When I was recently standing in front of a huge puddle with my buddy, I remembered how he tricked me a week ago. So I tricked him...
Q. What's an Alzheimer's victim's favourite song? A. Stand Down at Sundown.
One day little Jonny is in class. It is the second day back to school. The teacher is annoyed with the kids, so she goes to the front of the class and says, "If you think you are stupid, stand up." Little Jonny stood up.
The teacher asked him, "Why do you think you're stupid?" Little Jonny said, "I don't think I am stupid."
Then the teacher asked little Jonny why he stood up. Then little Jonny replied, "I just felt bad seeing you standing here alone."
Some say Stephen Hawking couldn't stand up for himself 😂