Stand jokes
I’m going to reenact the ending of Saw (2004), except I won’t stand up and shut the door.
Did you know you don't actually wash your hands?
They wash each other while you stand there looking at them like a creep.
What does Stephen Hawking have in common with Bill Gates? One stands, the other doesn't.
Your mom's so fat, when she stands on the scale, it says, "To be continued..."
New teacher: Everyone stand up if you think you are stupid.
Student: Stands up.
Teacher: Why did you stand up?
Student: I hate seeing you stand up there by yourself.
Once I was asked to perform snail jokes at a stand-up comedy night. I certainly snailed it because the crowd thought it was shellerious.
I bullied a kid in a wheelchair. I told him to stand up for himself.
What do you call an accomplished opera singer with recurring gonorrhea?
Standing ovation!
Hey, you know what I told the kid in a wheelchair?
I told him to be a stand-up comedian!
Bring out your weapons, people.
It's bullying time.
I sit because I can't stand you.
What do you call a hippopotamus that stands out from the crowd?
A hipster!
What type of comedy can't Steven Hawking do?
Stand-up comedy.
My cousin: “How’s the lemonade stand supposed to run when you’re at softball practice?!”
Me: “Lemonade stands can’t run, dufus.”
One day little Jonny is in class. It is the second day back to school. The teacher is annoyed with the kids, so she goes to the front of the class and says, "If you think you are stupid, stand up." Little Jonny stood up.
The teacher asked him, "Why do you think you're stupid?" Little Jonny said, "I don't think I am stupid."
Then the teacher asked little Jonny why he stood up. Then little Jonny replied, "I just felt bad seeing you standing here alone."
NASA stands for naughty aliens spewing apricots.
Some say Stephen Hawking couldn't stand up for himself 😂
My friend that was in a wheelchair was getting bullied, so I said, "Stand up for yourself."
What does FNAF stand for? Five Nasty Ass Fools.
Two Native Americans
Unwittingly walk into a gay bar and sit down to order a pitcher of beer. As they're sitting there sucking back on their ale, a gay guy walks up and says, "How would you boys like a blow job?"
The one Indian stands up and decks the guy, knocking him unconscious. He then sits back down and finishes his beer.
His buddy looks over and says, "Hey Joe, what did you do that for?"
Joe replies, "Not sure but it was something about getting a job!"