I sexually identify as kilometers per second.
Cuz I really wanna km/s (kill myself).
Speed Jokes
Yo mama's so ugly that Sonic needed to go fast to get away from her face.
Where would the next Formula race happen?
Answer: On your flat chest.
Ever wondered why Usain Bolt runs fast? He's training to outrun the cops.
What’s red and green and goes 100 miles per hour?
A frog in a blender.
How fast does 173 move?
Breakneck speeds!
What is the fastest way to spread a rumor?
Telephone? No.
Television? No.
How then? Tell a woman!
Speed.
Why did the cheetah lose in chess? Because he played against cheetahs!
Pete the panther was racing a cheetah but lost. The cheetah said, "You can’t beat me, I’m a cheetah." Pete said, "Yeah, you are a cheetah cheetah."
There was this Down syndrome boy that always wanted to be a cop, and he did. He pulled someone over and said, "Know why I pulled you over?"
The guy replied, "Because I was speeding?"
He said, "No, because you're black."
Your hairline went back faster than your adoption papers!
Pilot: This is my last flight, everyone.
Passengers: *Clap*
Pilot: I became a pilot for one reason: To conquer my greatest fear.
Flight Attendant: And what is that?
Pilot: Dying alone. *speeds up towards Twin Towers*
Also the Pilot: Now who is ready to play some Jen---
What do you call Hitler speeding?
The Fast and the Fuherous.
Died and came back sped. I call that rien-tardation.
Who are the fastest readers?
9/11 victims, they did 98 stories in 10 seconds.
How fast is the speed of sex?
68 because at 69 you've got to turn around.
Why does Sonic wear gloves? Because his hands are cold.
My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*
Me: Yea-
My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*
Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-
What is an epileptic's least favorite superhero? The Flash.
