Someone's jokes
A down-on-his-luck Newfoundlander takes a job in Toronto. He hates every minute of it. The housing is overpriced, the traffic a bottleneck. Frustrated, he starts saving every penny until he can buy a car to go home to the outport.
Eventually someone takes pity on him and offers to sell him a car with no reverse for fifty bucks.
"I takes it!" the Newfie replies, "because I don't intends on coming back anyway."
Doctor approaches a patient in Hospital and says, "I have some good news and bad news."
So the patient says, "What is the bad news?" the Doctor replies, "I have had to amputate both your legs." So the patient says, "Well, what is the good news?" The Doctor replies, "I have found someone to buy your slippers."
If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks many languages is multilingual, then what do you call someone who speaks one language?
An American.
If someone says 67 one more time, I'll say 9/11 and swoop right under their feet like the Twin Towers.
What do you call someone who subscribes to Toast4128 on YouTube?
A very good person.
Someone: Hey, are you a skeleton?
A skeleton: Of course, I have a SKELE-ton of fans!
Someone asked me, "How would you like your steak cooked?"
I said, "On a stove!"
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
Why are the same Sally jokes told over and over again? Because how can you tell jokes about someone who's dead?
Someone asked me to go to hell, so I drove to my local middle school.
Boi, you can't be talking because if someone punched you in the face, you will be the one to apologize.
Why did the towers fall? Because someone in Call of Duty hijacked the planes and crashed them into it.
Kid: Mum, how do you know someone is drunk?
Mum: See the four birds over there?
Kid: Huh, wait a minute.
Mum: A drunk person would see eight.
Kid: Mum, but there is only two.
Why do orphans want to be gay?
So they have someone to call "Daddy."
Never break someone’s heart, they only have one.
Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
What do you call someone who used to kill people? An ex-executioner.
Someone should start a vaping company with the slogan: "Vapes that hit harder than your dad." Sales would skyrocket.
Life isn't about pleasing yourself and that you have to do things for the sole benefit of God.
It’s like masturbation. Sometimes it’s not getting yourself off, but getting someone else off too. That’s what thighjobs are for.
Like if you know someone is emo and comment "emo🇷🇺."
What is it called when a gay guy punches someone?
Fruit punch.