Software jokes
You are like a software update. Whenever I see you, I immediately think, "Not now."
Boss: How good are you at PowerPoint?
Me: I Excel at it.
Boss: Was that a Microsoft pun?
Me: Word.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"
What is the difference between an American and a computer?
An American doesn’t have trouble shooting.
Isn't there a software company named after your dick?
Microsoft?
I was on the Official Cristiano Ronaldo website when suddenly my Anti-Virus software showed an alert on my screen! The notification read "WARNING: FRAUD DETECTED!" I was shocked but not surprised.
Penaldo has been finished for years after all, and he often ghosts in big games.
How did Stephen Hawking die?
Windows didn’t update in time.
Stephen Hawking died because his wife misunderstood him when he said, "My Windows Needs Updating." She had the double glazing removed, and he fell out and died.
How many apps did he download?
Well, he did run out of storage.
What's the difference between Paul Walker and a computer?
I give a fuck when my computer crashes.
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
He tried to download a free version of Windows.
"Why is my name Rose?"
"A rose fell on your head when you were born."
"Why is my name Daisy?"
"A daisy fell on your head when you were born."
"Bedrock is better than Java!"
"Oh, hi Brick!"
Stephen Hawking only died because he tried to install Windows 10, and his hard drive corrupted.
The Stephen Hawking space telescope will be launched next year. Apparently, it will have four wheels and run off Windows 7.
What makes a software developer feel rich?
Their cache.
Are you interested in it?
More than two boot branches.
I hope you see this plugin, but if you're listening to this, I really want to give you a little more...
I just found out that one of the new Star Wars shows is going to be about the time that some malware overloaded all of their computers, and I can tell from the title that those computers use Windows!
It's called "The Bad Batch File!"
Danny just bought a new game from Steam for a penny.
About one hour later, Danny asks his mother: "Mom, I am not able to start the game."
Mom asked, "Why?"
Danny answers: "It says 'Press any key' on the screen, but I can't find an 'Any' button on my keyboard."
How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That is the electrician's job. I am a specialist.
How many software engineers?
Again, none. It's a hardware problem.
How many computer programmers to change a light bulb?
Two, but one resigns halfway through the project.