How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?
You wave at him.
Me: Are you an orphan?
Boy: Yeah, what gave me away?
Me: ....ur parents.
Being an orphan isn't all bad. On the bright side, all your snacks are family-sized.
What does a perverted frog say? Rub it.
Why don't witches wear underwear? To get a better grip on their broom.
What do girls and rocks have in common? The flat ones get skipped.
What is red and goes 200 mph? A baby in a blender.
How do you know when an orphan is lying?
When they say, "I swear on my mother's life."
Tell someone to look in their shirt and spell attic. Hehe.
Why can't an orphan play Family Feud? Because it has to have a family.
My life is a joke.
I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”
That awkward moment when you're checking yourself out in the window of a car and you realize there's somebody inside.
A depressed guy walks into a bar and says, "Can I get shot?"
The bartender then says, "You mean, can you get a shot, right?"
The bartender then says, "Well... what drink would you like?"
The depressed guy then responds with, "No, I really want to get shot."
So we were working with a new client at work, and my boss farts. He said, "A little gas never killed anyone."
Did you hear about the kidnapping? Yeah, he woke up.
The difference between dark jokes and morbid is,
dark jokes are 10 babies in 1 trash can, and
morbid jokes are 1 baby in 10 trash cans.
My favorite joke is my life.
Expectation: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Here brother! I’ll give you my jacket, I don’t want you to be cold!"
Reality: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Well, damn bro, I can’t control the weather."
A homeless man sits in front of a Home Depot. A man walking out of the store hands him some money and asks, "Why are you in front of the Home Depot?" And the man says, "Isn't it obvious? Hoping somebody accidentally drops the house they just bought."
What's the difference between dark humor and morbid humor? Dark humor would be 10 babies in one trashcan. Morbid humor would be one baby in ten trashcans.
Where was Moses when the lights went out? - In the dark!
A horse walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave, realizing the potential danger in the situation.
