So I was sitting on the couch with a woman, and I asked her, "Does this napkin smell like chloroform?"
Two kids were sitting at a restaurant. One said, "Could I please have some water? I am feeling a little HORSE." The other said, "Animal Puns? TOUCAN play at that game."
Why do people always talk about 9/11, but seriously, just let it sit there, like the rubble it is.
I hate it when people say to suck it up... I mean, sometimes I don’t want someone’s dick in my face.
A horse walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave, realizing the potential danger in the situation.
I left my dog at home once, and when I came home it was a mess. Let's just say I was in a RUFF situation.
A friend texts to another:
"Hey." They reply, "What's up?"
The first friend then replies with a simple answer, "The sky!" But the other friend intervenes and says, "No, it's the ceiling!"
To then the first friend finishes the greeting with, "Unless you're homeless or six feet under."
My life is a joke.
What does it mean when a man sits on a boulder instead of on the ground?
A bolder choice.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of a door? Matt.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean? Bob.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russel.
I love how in horror movies the person calls out, "Hello," as if the psycho will answer, "Hey, what's up? I'm in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?"
Three guys walk into a bar; the fourth one ducks.
How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?
You wave at him.
Who am I sitting next to?
When the grass is bloody, You play in the mud...
A blind man is going for a walk. Eventually, he reaches a fish market.
He yells, "Hello ladies!"
Josh: Tell me something funny.
Mark: My life.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
Where was Moses when the lights went out? - In the dark!
So we were working with a new client at work, and my boss farts. He said, "A little gas never killed anyone."
