Short jokes
Does Lightning McQueen get life insurance or car insurance?
What do gay people get for Christmas?
Discrimination.
For all the Harry Potter fans:
A VPN is occlumency for smart devices, and our ISP is a legilimens.
Your forehead is so big that it's visible on the world map!
I hate when my brother dates other people.
Just kidding! 😵😵😵😵
One night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars. As I lay there, I thought to myself: WHERE'S THE ROOF?
Why can't people with Tourette's learn to drive?
Because they'll cause a car crash.
My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"
But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.
I like telling dad jokes.
He laughs at most of them.
"You are under arrest for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia!"
"Wait! I can explain everything!"
What's the hardest part to eat of a vegetable?
The wheelchair.
"Mixed vegetables is just special ed class, change my mind."
What do you call an acid with a bad attitude?
A-Mean-O-Acid.
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn. It's impeccable.
I have so many orphan jokes. I'm afraid most of them won't hit home.
Why do goalkeepers have so much money in the bank?
Because they are really good at saving.
What is Saturn's favorite movie?
Lord of the Rings.
What do you call people who jump into the Hoover Dam?
Dam fools.
Wife: (on phone) Hi. Husband: Hey, I didn’t know dishwashers talk and make me a sandwich.
Your kid is so annoying, he makes his Happy Meal cry.