Short jokes
what did Bruce Willis say after he had a vasectomy? "snip-y ki yay motherfucker"
Wanna play shark attack? I eat, you scream!
What is the difference between an illegal immigrant and E.T.?
E.T. eventually went home!
I’ve always been a bit insecure about having thicker thighs.
Now I realize it allows me to fit more scars!
When someone says you're adopted, say, "But you're still at the orphanage."
Why do women hate having sex with midgets?
Because of their shortcomings.
My girlfriend called me pedophile today.
Big word for a 12-year-old.
My dad told me he only drinks on days that start with a "T":
Tuesday, Thursday, today, tomorrow.
I was in a school shooting a few years ago, 3 people died.
I guess that’s what you get when you’re bad at hide and seek.
When the US Army found Chinese soldiers selling secrets to China, they said, "Looks like we have some chinks in our armor."
My wife told me to stop being an idiot.
I told her, "Which one do you want?"
A man walks into a bar.
Then he walks into a Pole.
Then the Pole says, "I surrender, Heil Hitler!"
Roses are red, eggs come in a dozen, do I need to revive Hitler to teach you how to use a goddamn oven?
How many gays does it take to put in a light bulb?
Only one... but it takes the entire Emergency Room to get it out.
How many gay guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one... But it takes the entire emergency room to take it out.
In honor of Diddy:
The ice cream machine at McDonald's now works!
Why do trans women make the best golf course grounds staff?
They’re enthusiastic about getting rid of unwanted balls.
What’s the difference between white people and Black people?
One runs from the police, one runs for the police.
What happens if a cookie turns emo?
It becomes a cookie cutter.
What do you call a group of black people in a shed?
Antique farm equipment.