Short jokes
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
My friends used to poke me at weddings and say, "You're next."
So I started poking them at funerals and saying, "You're next" to my friends.
Why do lawyers use Viagra? To grow taller.
My black friend told me to stop making racist jokes...
...I told him to lighten up.
So, my sister is a feminist. I asked her, "Do you want to hear a rape joke?" She said no. I still decided to force one down her throat anyway.
In my spare time I help blind children. -- I mean the verb, not the adjective.
Why do priests appreciate educated children?
They don't spit.
What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.
Why is it best to date suicidal women? Because if there's no pulse, there's no need for consent.
What are the differences between a preschool and a pedophile's basement? Little kids leave preschool.
Jason: Did you hear about the storm-trooper who attempted suicide?
Dave: No.
Jason: Well, he hit his first target.
Why did Ms. Grapes 🍇 want to marry Mr. Grapes 🍇?
Because she loves raisin kids.
Why did the library book go to the doctor?
It needed to be checked out.
Why don’t mountains catch colds?
They wear snow caps.
You take care of chickens. Does that make you a chicken tender?
When deaf people fight, they let their fists do the talking.
In my mother's generation, they grew up with Wonder Woman. In ours, we have to wonder if she's a woman.
Dear disabled people, just go to the settings and enable it!
Your mom is so ugly that when she went to rob a bank, they had to turn the cameras off.
A robber held up a depressed kid at gun point.
The depressed kid took the gun, and said, "I'll do it myself."