Short jokes
Why does the ice cream have so many friends?
Because he’s cool.
I got my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He came back a week later and said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.
Doctor: I diagnose you with obesity.
Patient: It runs in the family.
Doctor: Nothing can run in your family.
How many emos does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just sit in the dark and cry.
Sign on my attorney's office wall: "You can't have manslaughter without laughter."
How did they figure out what kind of shampoo Paul Walker used? They found his “head and shoulders” in the dash.
I don't understand why in horror movies they make digging a grave look so easy. It usually takes me days.
What do you get when you have an annoying kid, a homicidal kid, and a suicidal kid in the same room? A happy ending.
What do pedophiles and a SpongeBob intro have in common?
Are you ready kids?
What do JFK’s killer and a prostitute have in common?
“They both blow heads.”
Why were the Twin Towers scared at dinner?
Because their mom said, "Here comes the airplane!"
What is money called in space?
Star bucks.
A robber held up a depressed kid at gun point.
The depressed kid took the gun, and said, "I'll do it myself."
A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.
Did you hear about the 100 centimeter girl?
I’d really like to meter.
If a midget with down syndrome shows up late for work, is it okay to say she's a little tardy?
Why did Paul Walker cross the street?
Because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
9/11.
9/11 who?
You said that you would never forget!
What do you call a gay drive by?
A fruit roll up.
Say what you want against pedophiles, but they slow down in school zones.